[ THEME SONG PLAYS ] * I BET WE'VE BEEN TOGETHERFOR A MILLION YEARS * * AND I'LL BET WE'LL BE TOGETHERFOR A MILLION MORE * * OH, IT'S LIKEI STARTED BREATHING * * ON THE NIGHT WE KISSED * AND I CAN'T REMEMBERWHAT I EVER DID BEFORE * * WHAT WOULD WE DO, BABY * WITHOUT US? * WHAT WOULD WE DO, BABY * WITHOUT US? * AND THEREAIN'T NO NOTHIN' * * WE CAN'T LOVEEACH OTHER THROUGH * * OOH-HOO * WHAT WOULD WE DO, BABY * WITHOUT US? * SHA-LA-LA-LA HEY, HONEY. BOY,YOU'RE UP EARLY. YEAH, I WANTED TO GETA HEAD START. I'M MAKING BREAKFAST. WELL, WHAT IS ALL THIS?PANCAKES, BACON, EGGS, TOAST? AND FRESHLY SQUEEZEDORANGE JUICE. WELL, NOW,I AM VERY IMPRESSED. THAT'S HARD TO DOWITHOUT A JUICER. IT'S EVEN HARDER TO DOWITHOUT ORANGES.[ CHUCKLES ] WHAT'S THE OCCASION?YOU KNOW,I GOT UP THIS MORNING AND I REALIZEDHOW INCREDIBLE IT IS -- ALEX ISA JUNIOR AT LELAND, MALLORY IS A FRESHMANAT GRANT COLLEGE, JENNIFER IS IN JUNIOR HIGH,AND ANDY STARTS PRESCHOOL TODAY. [ BOTH CHUCKLE ] IT MADE ME THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH WE'VE ALLBEEN THROUGH TOGETHER, HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS FAMILY,HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU, AND HOW UNBELIEVABLYEXPENSIVE THIS YEARIS GOING TO BE. MAYBE WE SHOULD CANCELTHIS BREAKFAST. AH, LET'S LIVEDANGEROUSLY. THESE PEOPLE EVER GONNA GOTHROUGH MIDLIFE CRISIS? ALEX, JENNIFER,SIT DOWN. I HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY,BECAUSE WE'VE GOT PANCAKES. WE'VE GOT EGGS.WE'VE GOT BACON. LOOKS GREAT, BUT THE JUNIOR CLASS IS HAVINGA "WELCOME BACK" BREAKFAST. HOW ABOUT YOU, JEN?WHAT'S IT GONNA BE? EGGS? PANCAKES? I ATE ALREADY, DAD.I'VE BEEN UP FOR 3 HOURS. I SEE. MALLORY!HOW ABOUT SOME PANCAKES? PLEASE, DAD. IF I EVEN LOOK AT FOOD TODAY,I'M GONNA BE SICK. THIS WORKED OUT NICELY. JENNIFER,ANDY'S READY FOR YOU. HE JUST NEEDSHIS HAIR BRUSHED. ISN'T THAT CUTE?HIS FIRST DAY OF PRESCHOOL. YEAH. MALLORY, YOU SURE YOUDON'T WANT SOME BREAKFAST? NO, DAD. IT'S MYFIRST DAY OF COLLEGE.I'M VERY NERVOUS. MAL, YOU GOT NOTHINGTO WORRY ABOUT. [ Laughing ]I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKEYOU'RE GOING TO A REAL COLLEGE. WHAT IS THATSUPPOSED TO MEAN? OH, COME ON. HOW CAN YOU GET NERVOUSABOUT GOING TO A COLLEGE THAT ADVERTISESIN HOT RO MAGAZINE? THAT'S NOT TRUE, ALEX. OH, COME ON, MAL.I SAW THE AD. "GRANT COLLEGEINTRODUCTORY OFFER -- BUY ONE SEMESTER,GET THE REST FREE." THEN THERE'STHAT RADIO SPOT -- "AT GRANT COLLEGE,WE HAVE A MODERN LIBRARY, "FULLY QUALIFIED PROFESSORS, AND THICK, JUICY STEAKS COOKEDJUST THE WAY YOU LIKE THEM." ALEX, GRANT COLLEGEIS A VERY FINE SCHOOL. IT'S VERY HARD TO GET IN. HELLO,FELLOW GRANT COLLEGE FRESHMAN! LOOKS LIKE IT'S EVEN HARDERTO STAY OUT. SKIP, HOW ABOUTSOME BREAKFAST ON YOUR FIRST DAYAT GRANT COLLEGE? NO, NO, NO.THANK YOU, MR. KEATON. NO, I'M SAVING MY APPETITEFOR THOSE THICK, JUICY STEAKS. Steven: OH! HEY!Elyse: HI! HEY. DOES THIS TIE GO, ALEX? "DOES THIS TIE GO"? YOU LOOK LIKEA MILLION BUCKS. TAX-FREE. [ CHUCKLES ] IS IS TOO LATETO TAKE ANDY TO THE WOODS AND HAVE HIMRAISED BY WOLVES? COME ON, DAD. YOU KNOW HOW LONG I HAD TO WAITTO HAVE A LITTLE BROTHER? WHAT I HAD TO ENDURE?I'M JUST EXCITED, THAT'S ALL. COME ON, ANDY. DO YOU WANT TO WAVE GOODBYETO YOUR SISTER ON HER FIRST DAYAT COLLEGE? IT'S NOT A REAL COLLEGE. WHERE'S ANDY? HE'S UPSTAIRSTAKING A NAP. AHH. I WANTED TO FIND OUT HOWHIS FIRST DAY AT PRESCHOOL WAS. I CALLED THERETHREE TIMES. EVERY TIME I CALLED,THEY SAID IT WAS NAP TIME. WELL, HE'S UPSTAIRSTAKING ANOTHER NAP NOW. I GOT TO TALK TO THIS KID.HE'S SLEEPING HIS LIFE AWAY. [ DOOR OPENS ]Mallory: HI. GUYS, HOW WAS YOUR FIRST DAYOF COLLEGE? JENNIFER,IT WAS SO EXCITING. IT'S SO DIFFERENTFROM HIGH SCHOOL. I'M TAKING THIS AMAZINGPHILOSOPHY COURSE. WE TALKED ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH,THE NATURE OF REALITY, AND THE EXISTENCEOF BEING AND NON-BEING. I MEAN, THIS COULD CHANGETHE WHOLE WAY I DRESS. HOW WAS YOUR FIRST DAY,SKIP? NOT QUITE AS GOOD. DUE TO A COMPUTER ERROR, I SPENT THE WHOLE DAYAT THE REGISTRAR TRYING TO PROVE THATI'M NOT A LABORATORY RAT. WERE YOU SUCCESSFUL? I HAVE TO GO BACK TOMORROWWITH MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE. YOU KNOW, JENNIFER, I THINK PHILOSOPHYMAY BE MY TRUE CALLING. THERE ARE JUST SO MANYINTERESTING QUESTIONS. TODAY,THE PROFESSOR ASKED, "WHAT PROOF DO I HAVETHAT I REALLY EXIST?" SHOW HIMYOUR PHONE BILL. [ CHUCKLES ] LAUGH IF YOU WANT, ALEX, BUT I HAVE STARTEDMY FIRST PAPER. "I SHOP,THEREFORE I AM." IT'S ONLY A FIRST DRAFT,TOO. WELL,LET'S GO TO THE MALL AND DO SOME RESEARCHON THE PAPER. THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, JEN. YOU'RE GONNA DO REALLYWELL IN COLLEGE. OH, HEY.IS ANDY ASLEEP YET? 'CAUSEI WANT TO ASK HIM --OH, HE IS OUTLIKE A LIGHT, HONEY. HE'S HADA VERY FULL DAY. I'M A LITTLE SLEEPYMYSELF. I'VE GOT A BIG DAYON CAMPUS TOMORROW. I HAVE TO RUN THROUGH A MAZEAND RING A BELL TO GET A PIECEOF SWISS CHEESE. YOU CRAZY COLLEGE KIDS. SO, UH,ANDY LIKED PRESCHOOL, HUH? OH.GREAT.TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT. WELL, HE, UH,WAS A LITTLE NERVOUS AT FIRST. YEAH, WELL,THAT'S ALL RIGHT.THAT'S TO BE EXPECTED. BUT AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES,HE STARTED TO ENJOY HIMSELF. WELL, WHAT WEREHIS FAVORITE SUBJECTS -- FINGER PAINTING, BLOCKS,SUPPLY-SIDE ECONOMICS? I THINK HE SAID THAT THE PART HE LIKED BESTWAS SHARING TIME. [ Chuckling ] OH. SHARING TIME? WHAT'S THAT? ONE OF THE OBJECTIVESOF THE SCHOOL IS TO TEACH KIDSTHAT SHARING IS FUN. SO, EVERYTHINGIS SHARED EQUALLY. ALL THE TOYS IN THE ROOMBELONG TO THE GROUP, AND THEY'RE CONSIDEREDCOMMUNAL PROPERTY. WHAT IS THIS,THE KARL MARX PRESCHOOL? THE HARPER SCHOOL PROGRAM TEACHES KIDSTO SUPPORT EACH OTHER -- TO FEEL GOODABOUT THEMSELVES. THEY EVEN HAVE THIS METHODOF ENCOURAGING THE CHILDRENWHO ARE A LITTLE SHY. THEY GIVE THEM PATCHES TO WEARTHAT SAY, "I KNOW HOW TO SAY GOODBYE"OR "I KNOW HOW TO NAP" OR "I KNOW HOW TO SPEAKIN SENTENCES." SOUNDS LIKEAN INSANE ASYLUM. PRESCHOOL IS SUPPOSED TOPREPARE ANDY FOR REAL LIFE. IN A COUPLE YEARS,HE'S GONNA BE OUT THERE IN THE DOG-EAT-DOG WORLDOF KINDERGARTEN. HE'S GOT TO BE READY. HE'S GOT TO BUILD HIS CHARACTER,SHARPEN HIS MENTAL SKILLS, IMPROVEHIS PHYSICAL ENDURANCE. SO BASICALLY, YOU'RE SUGGESTINGA MILITARY PRESCHOOL. I JUST DON'T WANT TO SEE ANDYON THE STREET 20 YEARS FROM NOW WITH A PATCH THAT SAYS,"I KNOW HOW TO SAY GOODBYE." OKAY, ANDY.HERE'S YOUR LUNCHBOX. NOW, THESE ARE YOURCOLORING BOOKS AND YOUR CRAYONS. REMEMBER.HOW DO WE FEEL ABOUT SHARING? PBHT! THATABOY. OKAY,NOW YOU JUST WEAR THIS, AND I DON'T THINKWE'LL HAVE ANY PROBLEM. GOOD MORNING, ANDY. GOOD MORNING, MRS. KLUGER. GOOD MORNING, MRS. KLUGER.I'M ALEX KEATON, ANDY'S BROTHER. I'M MRS. KLUGER,THE DIRECTOR. RIGHT. OH, LISTEN, ANDY,I GOT TO RUN TO CLASS NOW. BUT REMEMBER -- TONIGHT,WE'RE GOING TO GO OUT, WE'RE GONNA GET ICE CREAM, THEN I'M GONNA TAKE YOUAND SHOW YOU HOW THE AUTOMATED-TELLERMACHINES WORK. OKAY?REMEMBER -- WHO LOVES YOU? ALEX LOVES ME. YOU KNOW IT. SO, UH...HOW'S HE DOING? OH,HE'S A TERRIFIC CHILD. HE'S VERY SENSITIVE AND VERY THOUGHTFULOF THE OTHER CHILDREN. WELL, I CAN'T HELP THAT.IT'S MY PARENTS' INFLUENCE. YOU KNOW, ANDREW TALKS ABOUT YOUALL THE TIME, ALEX. OH, REALLY? YEAH. HE MENTIONSYOUR NAME SO OFTEN, YOU'D THINK SOMEONE WASPAYING HIM TO TALK ABOUT YOU. MRS. KLUGER, DO YOU MIND IF I TAKE A LITTLE LOOKAROUND HERE? OH, NO. FEEL FREE.WE ENCOURAGE VISITORS. WE'RE COMPLETELY OPENAND FREE HERE. THAT'S NOTHINGTO BRAG ABOUT. SO, THIS IS THE LIBRARY.YEAH. AND WE TRY TO FILL IT WITHCOLORFUL, INTERESTING BOOKS. WE'VE GOT, UH, OH,"CHARLIE GOES TO SCHOOL," "A SNOWY DAY,""THE CURIOUS COW." YEAH. WE'VE GOT THAT ONEAT HOME. MALLORY'S READING IT. MY SISTER.OH. YOU'VE ALSO GOT A SISTERIN PRESCHOOL? NO, MALLORY COULDN'TGET INTO PRESCHOOL... SO SHE'S GOINGTO GRANT COLLEGE. HI, MRS. KLUGER. HI, MICHAEL.WHAT DOES YOUR PATCH SAY? "I KNOW HOW TO SAY GOODBYETO MY DADDY." VERY GOOD, SWEETIE.ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL, ALEX? WHAT'S SO WONDERFULABOUT THAT? I KNOW HOW TO SAY GOODBYETO M DADDY. YOU DON'T SEE ME WEARING A PATCH. WELL, WE TRYTO ENCOURAGE MICHAEL. HE'S VERY SHY. THIS GIVES HIMA SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT. WELL,I'M ALL FOR CREATING A SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT,MRS. KLUGER. I JUST QUESTIONYOUR METHODS. OH. WELL,WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST? WELL, HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUTDIVIDING THE CHILDREN INTO DIFFERENT PLAY GROUPS,GIVING THEM I.Q. TESTS? WELL, ALEX,WE'RE TRYING TO FOSTER A NONCOMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT. OH, COME ON, MRS. KLUGER. JOIN USIN THE REAL WORLD HERE. DO YOU SEE PEOPLE OUT THEREWHO ARE NONCOMPETITIVE? PEOPLE SHARING?PEOPLE TAKING NAPS ON MATS? STEVEN AND ELYSE KEATONARE YOUR PARENTS? OH, MRS. KLUGER,I GOT TO GO. UH, I'M JUST GONNASAY GOODBYE TO ANDY, AND I'LL BE ON MY WAY. SURE. HE'S OVER THERE,PLAYING HOUSE. NO, NO. THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.ANDY DOESN'T PLAY HOUSE. WELL, OF COURSE HE DOES.SEE HIM DIAPERING THAT DOLL? HE'S DIAPERING A DOLL? ANDY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DIAPERING A DOLL. WHERE'S YOUR WIFE? OUT WORKING. WE'RE OUT OF HERE. LET'S GO. LET'S GO. TODAY WAS THE FIRST DAY I REALLY FELT LIKEA REAL COLLEGE STUDENT. OF COURSE, TODAY WASTHE FIRST DAY I WASN'TGETTING SHOCKED FOR RUNNING AGAINST THE TRAFFICIN OUR MAZE. SKIPPY, DO YOU MIND?I'M TRYING TO DO SOME WORK HERE. I'M SORRY, MAL.IT'S JUST SUCH A GREATFEELING TO BE HUMAN AGAIN. WAIT A MINUTE!YOU JUST GAVE ME A GREAT IDEA. I DID?MY NEXT ASSIGNMENTIN PHILOSOPHY IS TO PICK SOMEONEAND TRY TO PROVE THEY EXIST. I MEAN,I CAN DO THAT ON YOU. WOW! WHAT A CHALLENGE! YEAH, IF I COULD PROVEYOU EXIST, I'D DEFINITELY GET AN "A." AND YOU'D BE ABLE TO SETTLE ABET I HAVE WITH MY GRANDFATHER. WHOA, WHOA, MALLORY.DO YOU HAVE TO WORK HERE? WE COULD REALLY USETHIS SPACE. OH, NO, NO.YOU CAN'T STOP US NOW, ALEX. SEE, MALLORY IS GOING TO PROVETHAT I EXIST. THAT COULD GETA LITTLE MESSY. WHY DON'T YOU DO THATIN THE KITCHEN, HUH? ALL RIGHT.ALL RIGHT. OKAY, A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS,SKIPPY. FIRST OF ALL, WHAT WOULD YOU SAYDISTINGUISHES YOU FROM AN INANIMATE OBJECT? MY ALLERGIES? ALEX, THIS IS CRAZY. DON'T YOU THINK MOM AND DADARE GONNA FIND OUT THAT ANDYISN'T IN PRESCHOOL? YEAH, WELL, I CAN'T WORRYABOUT THAT NOW. THE IMPORTANT THING ISTO DEPROGRAM ANDY BEFORE ANYTHING HE LEARNEDIN PRESCHOOL SINKS IN. WHAT DO YOU WANT METO DO FIRST? OKAY.WE'RE GONNA PLAY HOUSE. I'M GONNA BE THE FATHER.YOU'RE GONNA BE THE MOTHER. WE'RE GONNA SHOW ANDYHOW A NORMAL FAMILY FUNCTIONS. ARE YOU WATCHING, ANDY?YES, SIR. GOOD. HONEY, I'M HOME! HI, THERE, DEAR. [ SMOOCHES ] WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY WHILE I WAS OUT WORKING HARDTO SUPPORT YOU? I HAD AN AFFAIRWITH THE MILKMAN. THAT'S VERY FUNNY,DEAR. DOES THAT MEAN YOU DIDN'T MAKEANY DINNER FOR YOUR HUSBAND, EVEN THOUGH I WAS SLAVING AWAYAT THE OFFICE? AT LEASTYOU GET PAID. HOUSEWORK IS JUST AS TOUGHAS YOUR JOB, AND I DON'T GET A DIME. I WANT A DIVORCE! ALL RIGHT, JENNIFER. IF YOU CAN'T PLAY NICELY,LET'S NOT PLAY AT ALL, OKAY? THAT'S ALL RIGHT, ANDY.WE DON'T NEED HER. HEY, ALEX.HEY! THERE'S MY GUY. HI, SWEETIE.HI. HEY, WHAT'S, UH --WHAT'S THIS PATCH? UH, THAT'S NOTHING. "I KNOW HOW TOITEMIZE DEDUCTIONS." BOY, THEY'RE REALLYMOVING AHEAD QUICKLY THERE. MOM, DAD, SIT DOWN. SOMETHING VERY BADIS GOING TO HAPPEN NOW. JUST HEAR ME OUT...BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING, OKAY? OH, THIS IS WORSETHAN WE THOUGHT. ANDY WITHDREWFROM PRESCHOOL TODAY. WHAT? AND I WANTTO TELL YOU SOMETHING. I ADMIRE HIM FOR IT. OKAY. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.ANDY DIDN'T WITHDRAW. I WITHDREW HIM. BUT THAT PRESCHOOLWASN'T FOR HIM. HE WAS PICKING UPA LOT OF BAD HABITS THERE. ALEX, THE HARPER PRESCHOOLIS ONE OF THE BEST IN THE AREA. IT'S A HUMANISTIC APPROACHTO CHILD CARE BASED ON AFFECTION,MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING,AND RESPECT. GRANTED, YOU HAVE NO REGARDFOR THESE THINGS, BUT OTHER MEMBERS OF OUR SPECIESCLING BLINDLY TO THEM. I'M GONNA CALL MRS. KLUGER. THERE'S NO WAY SHE COULD'VETAKEN ANY OF THIS SERIOUSLY. Alex: ALL RIGHT. LOOK, I'M SORRY THINGSTURNED OUT THE WAY THEY DID. BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTANDONE THING. I ONLY DID WHAT I DID 'CAUSE I THOUGHTIT WAS BEST FOR ANDY. I LOVE THAT KID. I'D NEVER DO ANYTHINGTO HURT HIM. ALL RIGHT, ALEX. BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTANDONE THING. WE'RE HIS PARENTS,AND THIS IS OUR DECISION. YOU'RE RIGHT. HEY, YOU'RE RIGHT. WAIT A MINUTE.YOU GOT MALLORY. YOU GOT JENNIFER. YOU GOT CARTE BLANCHEON THEM. DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. I'LL EVEN THROW IN SKIPPYIF YOU WANT. BUT ANDREW... ANDREW'S MINE. WELL, IF HE THROWS INSKIPPY... STEVEN! GOOD MORNING, ANDREW.GOOD MORNING, ALEX. Both: GOOD MORNING,MRS. KLUGER. IT'S NICE TO SEE YOUBACK AT SCHOOL, ANDY. I THINK MRS. KAUFMAN'SWAITING FOR YOU. GO AHEAD, ANDY.BE STRONG. MRS. KLUGER, I'M, UH, SORRY ABOUTWHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY. I WAS WAY OUT OF LINE, AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD YOUHOW TO RUN YOUR SCHOOL. I GET A LITTLE EMOTIONALWHEN IT COMES TO ANDY. WELL, WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAYAND WATCH HIM PLAY FOR A WHILE? ACTUALLY, I CAN'T.I GOT TO GO. THANKS, ANYWAY.ALL RIGHT.HAVE A NICE DAY. OKAY. THIS MORNING,WE'RE REALLY GONNA HAVE FUN. LET'S PRETEND THATWE'RE GOING TO RUNA LITTLE BUSINESS. BUSINESS? NOW, WHAT SHOULD WE SELL? TURTLES! TURTLES. THE TURTLE MARKET'SBEEN DEPRESSED SINCE '81. NOW, IF WE'RE GONNA HAVEA TURTLE STORE, WE HAVE TO DECIDE HOW MUCHTO SELL THE TURTLES FOR. NOW, WHAT DO YOU THINK,EVERYBODY? FOR FREE. WELL, THAT ISVERY NICE OF YOU, RHONDA. WE WON'T CHARGE ANYTHINGFOR THE TURTLES. WAIT A MINUTE.WAIT A MINUTE. AT THAT RATE, YOU'RE GONNA BEOUT OF BUSINESS BY NAP TIME. UH, WOULD YOUEXCUSE ME, PLEASE? SORRY. NOW, WHAT'S THE FIRST THINGWE NEED FOR OUR STORE? TURTLES. Alex: TURTLES! THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT,ANDY. ONCE WE HAVE TURTLES, I GUESS WE'RE READYTO OPEN UP. NO, COME ON.WAIT. LOOK. THERE ARE A MILLION DECISIONSTO BE MADE HERE.[ GIGGLING ] FIRST OF ALL, WHATKIND OF TURTLES AREYOU GONNA SELL? MYSELF, I'D SUGGEST DIVIDING THE STOCK UPIN THE FOLLOWING MANNER -- 70% DISPOSABLE TURTLES --DISPOSABLE TURTLES? YEAH, YOU KNOW,THE KIND THAT DIE AS SOONAS YOU BRING THEM HOME. AND THEN, THE OTHER 30%, I'D HAVE THOSE, YOU KNOW,THOSE BIG SEA TURTLES. FOR SOUPS. BUT YOU NEED A STORE MANAGERTO MAKE THESE DECISIONS. NOW, WHO WANTS TO BEA STORE MANAGER? OH! I SEE ANDREW KEATONHAS HIS HAND UP. I LIKE A BOYWITH INITIATIVE. I GOT AN IDEA.WE NEED CO-MANAGERS. HEY, MICHAEL, WHY DON'T YOUAND ANDY BOTH MANAGE THE STORE? GOOD. GREAT. OKAY. NOW WE NEEDAN ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN. RHONDA, YOU EVER DOANY MODELING? YES,AND I HAVE A DOG. LET'S STICKTO BUSINESS, RHONDA. OKAY, WE'RE GONNA NEEDA PICTURE, A PHOTOGRAPH, OF YOU AND A TURTLE AND A SIGN SAYING,UH, WHAT? WHAT? UH, "WELCOMETO OUR GRAND OPENING. COME OUT OF YOUR SHELL SALE." RIGHT? OKAY.WE'RE GONNA NEED A SIGN. WHO WANTS TO PAINT A SIGN? EXCUSE ME,BUT I WORK HERE. FABULOUS.GET SOME PAINTS, WILL YOU? AND, UH... SOME RED, WHITE, AND BLUEDECORATIONS. OKAY, NOW, WE'RE GONNA NEEDA BUSINESS MANAGER TO HELP US AVOIDPAYING TAXES. WHAT'S TAXES? A TAX IS A TERRIBLE... HAIRY... LIBERAL MONSTER... WITH BIG TEETH. [ GROWLS ] [ LAUGHTER ] AND THE ONLY THING -- THE ONLY THING THAT CAN STOPTHE TERRIBLE TAX MONSTER IS A REPUBLICAN. WHO WANTS TO BEA REPUBLICAN? WHOA![ LAUGHTER ] OH. WHAT'S ALL THIS?OH, IT'S VERY SIMPLE, ELYSE. IF THE BACK-TO-SCHOOLBREAKFAST DIDN'T WORK, WE JUST SWITCH GEARS AND TRYTHE BACK-TO-SCHOOL DINNER. BUT THE KIDS HAVE BEENBACK TO SCHOOL FOR OVER A WEEK NOW. SO, THEY'VE HAD TIMETO WORK UP AN APPETITE. SEE YOU LATER. OKAY. HEY,WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I'M HAVING DINNERAT CHRISSY'S HOUSE. YOU SAID I COULD GOLAST WEEK. THIS IS A SCHOOL NIGHT,JENNIFER. SHOULDN'T YOU BE STAYING HOMEAND STUDYING? I FINISHED STUDYING. AND ANYWAY, I GOT A 98ON MY FIRST TEST. I WOULD'VE GOTTEN 100,EXCEPT THAT I PUT MANDALAY DOWN AS THE CAPITAL OF BURMAINSTEAD OF RANGOON. AND YOU EXPECT USTO JUST OVERLOOK THAT? HI.HI.HI. Steven:HEY, MAL, SKIP. MALLORY, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.YOU DID EVERYTHING YOU COULD. AH, THANKS, SKIPPY. AND DON'T WORRY.YOU'LL GET OVER IT. WHAT HAPPENED?WELL, I GOT AN "F"ON MY PHILOSOPHY PAPER. I COULDN'T PROVETHAT SKIPPY EXISTED. WELL, MAYBE I'LL JUSTGO BACK TO THE LAB AND THE OTHER RATS. AT LEASTI WAS ACCEPTED THERE. BYE-BYE. WELL, I HOPEYOU'RE HUNGRY, MAL. WE'RE PLANNINGA BIG DINNER. UM, I CAN'T, DAD.NICK AND I ARE GOINGTO AN ART EXHIBIT. IT STARTS IN HALF AN HOUR. SEE YOU LATER. WELL, HERE WE AREAGAIN, ELYSE... YOU, ME,AND HUGE AMOUNTS OF FOOD. HEY. HEY, ALEX.HI, SWEETHEART. ANDY. HEY.HOW WERE YOUR CLASSES? I DON'T KNOW.I DIDN'T MAKE IT. I SPENT THE WHOLE DAYAT PRESCHOOL WITH ANDY. WHY?WAS THERE A PROBLEM? HE'S STILL ENROLLED,ISN'T HE? YEAH,HE'S STILL ENROLLED. AS A MATTER OF FACT,HE GOT HIS REPORT CARD TODAY. "DOESN'T GET ALONGWITH OTHER CHILDREN, HAS A TENDENCY TO TRY TO RUNEVERY ACTIVITY HIS OWN WAY." WHAT?WAIT A MINUTE.THAT'S MINE. OH. NO...HERE'S ANDY'SRIGHT HERE.OH. OH. WELL, YEAH."ANDY IS A DELIGHTFUL BOY "WHO'S VERY POPULARWITH THE OTHER CHILDREN. IT'S A PLEASURE HAVINGHIM IN THE CLASS." THAT'S WONDERFUL,ANDY. MAYBE I WASN'TCOMPLETELY IN THE RIGHT ON THIS WHOLEPRESCHOOL THING. I MEAN, SURE, THEY DO SOMETHINGS DIFFERENTLY THAN I WOULD, BUT ON THE WHOLE, THERE'S A WHOLE LOT OF LOVEAND AFFECTION THERE. WITH THE PROPER SUPERVISIONAND THE RIGHT GUEST SPEAKERS, THOSE KIDSCOULD LEARN A LOT. "GUEST SPEAKERS"? I'M GOING TO BE LECTURING THEREONCE A WEEK. UH, BY THE WAY, YOU'RE PLANNING ON EATINGHERE TONIGHT, AREN'T YOU? OH, DAD, UH, LISTEN. ANDY AND I WERE GONNAHAVE DINNER ALONE TONIGHT, KIND OFA "BROTHERS EVENING." THAT'S ALL RIGHT,ISN'T IT? [ SNIFFS ] FINE. FINE. I'LL JUST PUT THISIN THE BACK-TO-SCHOOL FREEZER. I'LL EAT IT. YOU'RE GONNA EAT15 HAMBURGERS, LASAGNA,AND A RACK OF LAMB, ELYSE? WELL,NOT ALL AT ONE SITTING. HEY, ANDY. SORRY I RUINEDYOUR FIRST WEEK AT PRESCHOOL. IT'S JUST THAT YOU'REMY ONLY BROTHER. I GET A LITTLE CRAZYWHEN IT COMES TO YOU, 'CAUSE I KNOW THAT YOU AREDESTINED FOR GREATNESS -- THE SAME WAY THAT JENNIFERIS DESTINED FOR GREATNESS, THE WAY I'M DESTINEDFOR GREATNESS, AND, UH, MALLORY'S DESTINEDTO BE CARED FOR BY THE STATE. BUT YOU CAN GOAT YOUR OWN PACE, OKAY? I'M NOT GONNAPUSH YOU TOO HARD. IF YOU EVER NEED ANY ADVICE,COME TO ME. IF YOU EVER NEED ANYTHING, COME TO YOUR BIG BROTHER,ALL RIGHT? JUST DON'T ASK METO BEAT UP ANYBODY FOR YOU, ONCE YOU GET PAST FIVE. ALEX LOVES ME. YOU BET HE DOES. [ GRUNTS ] LET'S GO GET SOME BURGERS,HUH? OH, ANDY... YOU DRIVE.