[ THEME SONG PLAYS ] * I BET WE'VE BEEN TOGETHERFOR A MILLION YEARS * * AND I'LL BET WE'LL BE TOGETHERFOR A MILLION MORE * * OH, IT'S LIKEI STARTED BREATHING * * ON THE NIGHT WE KISSED * AND I CAN'T REMEMBERWHAT I EVER DID BEFORE * * WHAT WOULD WE DO, BABY * WITHOUT US? * WHAT WOULD WE DO, BABY * WITHOUT US? * AND THEREAIN'T NO NOTHIN' * * WE CAN'T LOVEEACH OTHER THROUGH * * OOH-HOO * WHAT WOULD WE DO, BABY * WITHOUT US? * SHA-LA-LA-LA Elyse: AND NOW, DIRECT FROMTHE KEATON HOUSEHOLD, THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALLBEEN WAITING FOR, THE LIGHTINGOF THE CHRISTMAS TREE! [ CHEERING ] OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL! Mallory: YOU SURE KNOWHOW TO PICK THEM, DAD. Steven:THANK YOU, THANK YOU. OH,THIS IS THE BEST EVER. IT MUST HAVE TAKEN YOUA LONG TIME TO PICK THIS ONE OUT.NO, NO, NO. I KNEW THIS WAS THE ONEFOR US THE MOMENT I BACKED INTO ITWITH THE CAR. WE GET MORE THINGSTHAT WAY. OH, LOOK,IT'S STARTING TO SNOW! OH, THAT'S PERFECT.SNOW ON CHRISTMAS EVE. MWAH!WHAT COULD BE BETTER? THEY CAN PUT A MANON THE MOON, BUT THEY CAN'T STOPTHIS WHITE SLOP FROM FALLING OUTOF THE SKY. MERRY CHRISTMASTO YOU, TOO, ALEX. TAKE IT EASY WITH THEMERRY CHRISTMASES, WILL YA, MA? THIS HOLIDAY IS A SILLY,SENTIMENTAL FARCE. IT'S PHONY. PEOPLE JUST PRETEND TO HAVETHIS SO-CALLED CHRISTMAS SPIRIT. WE CAN'T ALL HAVETHIS NATURAL YULETIDE VERVE THAT YOU POSSESS. [ COUGHS ] DID YOU REMEMBER TO GETTHE COUGH SYRUP FOR JENNIFER? NO, I FORGOT. I'LL, UH --I'LL GET IT TOMORROW. TOMORROW'S CHRISTMAS,ALEX. YEAH, SO? SO THE STORESWILL BE CLOSED. ALL DAY? BOY, THIS THINGIS REALLY GETTING OUT OF HAND. LOOK, SORRY I FORGOT.I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. IF THIS THING GETS ANY WORSE,I'LL, UH -- I'LL TAKE YOUTO THE EMERGENCY ROOM MYSELF. ALL RIGHT, BUT DON'T TRYTO COUNT THAT AS MY PRESENT. CAN'T BEAT THE PRESENTHE GAVE ME LAST YEAR. I GAVE YOU A PRESENTLAST YEAR? YEAH, YOU TOOK THE GARBAGE OUTFOR ME. RIGHT, RIGHT.WELL, UH... DON'T EXPECT ANY OFTHAT SLOPPY SENTIMENT THIS YEAR. OH, THAT REMINDS ME. LISTEN,I KNOW IT'S KIND OF LATE, BUT CAN WE MAKEAN ARRANGEMENT HERE? UH, I SAY WE DON'T EXCHANGEGIFTS THIS YEAR, HUH? HOW ABOUT IT? THAT'S A HEARTWARMINGTHOUGHT, ALEX, BUT, UH, WE'VE ALREADYGOT OUR GIFTS FOR YOU. AH! YOU KNOW, ALEX, JUST BECAUSEYOU'RE AN OLD SCROOGE, WHY DO THE REST OF USHAVE TO SUFFER? BECAUSE WE'RE FAMILY,JENNIFER. WE DO THINGS TOGETHER. ALL RIGHT, I THINK IT IS TIMETO TAKE A PICTURE. EVERYBODY,TAKE YOUR POSITIONS FOR THE TRADITIONALKEATON CHRISTMAS PHOTO. Elyse:COME ON, JOIN US, ALEX. YOU KNOW YOUR SPOT.COME ON, ALEX. THE TIMER IS SET.YOU'VE GOT 11 SECONDS. FORGET IT.FORGET IT. I REFUSE TO PARTICIPATEIN THIS RIDICULOUS CEREMONY FOR A RIDICULOUS HOLIDAY. Elyse: OH, COME ON. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS.THE SAME OLD STUPID POSES. OH, AND, UH, DON'T TRYAIRBRUSHING ME IN LATER. ALEX...[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ] All:[ Flatly ] MERRY CHRISTMAS. [ BELL TOLLING ] CHRISTMAS CHEER. WHO NEEDS IT? JUST ANOTHER HOLIDAY. YOU DON'T SEE PEOPLEFALLING ALL OVER THEMSELVES ON COLUMBUS DAY. Carolers: * GOD RESTYE MERRY GENTLEMEN... * WHAT? * LET NOTHING YOU DISMAY * REMEMBER CHRIST OUR... HEY!Boy: HI, MR. KEATON! CHRISTMAS CHEER TO YOU,SIR. GET OFF THE LAWNBEFORE I CALL THE COPS. AND TAKE THE REST OF THOSECLOWNS WITH YOU. OH, SORRY, REVEREND. Reverend:SEASONS GREETINGS. GOD BLESS YOU, ALEX. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. WHAT IS WRONGWITH THESE PEOPLE? YOU SHOW THEM A LITTLE SNOW, THEY BREAK INTO SONG ABOUTCHESTNUTS NIPPING AT YOUR NOSE. CHRISTMAS. BAH, HUMBUG! [ WIND HOWLING ] [ WINDOW SLAMS ] WHAT? [ COUGHS ] WHO'S THERE? JENNIFER,WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I AM NOT JENNIFER. I AM THE GHOSTOF CHRISTMAS PAST. YEAH,AND I'M ED McMAHON. LOOK [COUGHS]GET OUT OF HERE, WILL YOU? YOU'RE SMOKING UPTHE WHOLE ROOM. ON SECOND THOUGHT,WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN? ARISE, ALEX,AND COME HITHER, FOR I AM CHARGEDWITH SHOWING YOU THE TRUE MEANINGOF CHRISTMAS. HEY,I'M NOT COMING HITHER. UNH-UNH. NO WAY. ALEX, COME HITHER. I'M COMING HITHER. I'M HITHER. A GHOST, HUH? OF COURSE I'M A GHOST. IF I WERE A PERSON, I WOULD HAVECOME THROUGH THE DOOR. WHERE ARE WE GOING? JUST GRAB MY SLEEVE. WE'RE GOING TO A PLACEYOU KNOW. HEY, LOOK OUT FOR THE WALL.WAH! WHOA! THE LIVING ROOM? YOU GOT ME OUT OF BEDTO SHOW ME THE LIVING ROOM? WAIT A MINUTE.WHAT'S WITH THIS FURNITURE? THIS ISN'TOUR LIVING ROOM. YES, IT IS -- 10 YEARS AGOON CHRISTMAS MORNING. * DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW * IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH * O'ER THE FIELDS WE GO HEY, THAT'S MOM.* LAUGHING ALL THE --HA-HA-HA-HA! * H-HEY, MOM!MOM, OVER HERE.* BELLS ON BOBTAIL RING IT'S ME -- ALEX. SHE CAN'T HEAR YOU, ALEX.SHE CAN'T SEE YOU, EITHER. OH, MOM, I'VE BEEN LOOKINGALL OVER FOR YOU. HEY.HEY, THAT'S ME! HA! THAT'S ME! I FINISHED BALANCINGYOUR CHECKBOOK, MOM. OH!THANK YOU, ALEX. I STARTEDON YOUR TAX RETURNS, BUT I CAN'T DO MUCHUNTIL YOU GET YOUR W-2s. I DON'T WANT A REPEATOF WHAT HAPPENED LAST YEAR. YEAH, I'M SORRYABOUT THAT, ALEX. THAT WAS OUR FAULT. YEAH, BUT I'M THE ONETHAT SWEATED OUT THE AUDIT. Alex: THAT'S MALLORY. MOMMY, CAN WE OPEN UPPRESENTS NOW? PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE,PLEASE, PLEASE? SHE ALWAYS HADA WAY WITH WORDS. IN A MINUTE, HONEY. MALLORY, ALL YOU THINK ABOUTARE OPENING THE PRESENTS. CAN YOU PLEASE EXERCISEA LITTLE DISCIPLINE AND SELF-CONTROL? I ALREADY EXERCISED TODAY,SO THERE, ALEX! NEVER WAS AN EVEN MATCH,WAS IT? ALEX, PLEASE DON'TTURN ON THE TV. WE'RE GONNA OPEN THE PRESENTSIN A MINUTE. MOM, THIS WON'T TAKE LONG.THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO SEE. Man: AND FURTHER EVIDENCE EMERGED TODAY LINKING PRESIDENT NIXON WITH THE WATERGATE BREAK-IN OF LAST YEAR. THIS IS A WITCH-HUNT! THEY'RE PERSECUTINGAN INNOCENT MAN. LOOK AT THAT.IS THAT THE FACE OF A CROOK? ALEX,TURN OFF THE SET. HE'S SPOILINGMY CHRISTMAS SPIRIT. COME ON, NOW.SIT UP HERE. MALLORY. OKAY, NOW CAN WE OPENTHE PRESENTS? PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE,PLEASE, PLEASE? NO,AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY. BECAUSE WE'RE EXPECTINGA VISITOR FROM THE NORTH POLE! RIGHT NOW! I SAID WE'RE GONNA HAVEA VERY SPECIAL VISITOR FROM THE NORTH POLE! HEY! Steven: HO, HO, HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS,EVERYBODY! WELL, IF IT ISN'T ALEXAND MALLORY KEATON. HI, DADDY. HI, POP. GETTING TOO SMART FOR ME. I GUESS I BETTER STICKWITH JENNIFER. OH, HI, BABY! HO, HO, HO! DADA. YOU FOOLED ME. WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS,EVERYBODY. MERRY CHRISTMAS, DAD. CAN WE OPENTHE PRESENTS NOW? I'M SO EXCITED. OH, SURE. SURE. WELL, THIS ONEIS FOR MALLORY. AND THIS ONEIS FOR ALEX. A TELEPHONE. HELLO? NOBODY'S THERE. GOOD GRIEF. IT'S A PRETEND PHONE,MALLORY. YOU CAN TALK ON ITALL DAY LONG. SO THAT'S HOW IT BEGAN. GO AHEADAND OPEN YOURS NOW, ALEX. NO, YOU OPENYOUR PRESENTS FIRST. THAT'S THE REAL JOY. WATCHING OTHER PEOPLEENJOY YOUR PRESENTS. HEAR THAT,ALEX? I HEARD IT.I HEARD IT. HEY, I HAVE AN IDEA. BEFORE WE OPENTHE REST OF THE PRESENTS, LET'S TAKE A PICTUREAROUND THE TREE. YEAH!OKAY, THE CAMERA'S ALL SET. LET'S POSELIKE WE'RE DECORATING IT, THEN EVERY CHRISTMAS,WE'LL TAKE THE SAME PICTURE WITH THE SAME POSE. WHAT A GOOD IDEA! OH, OKAY. THAT WAS MY IDEA? GET READY, EVERYONE.OKAY. All: MERRY CHRISTMAS! [ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ] COME ON. NOW LET'S SINGA CHRISTMAS CAROL. OH, OKAY. ELYSE? * THE FIRST NOEL All:* THE ANGELS DID SAY * WAS TO CERTAIN POOR SHEPHERDSIN FIELDS AS THEY LAY * WE MUST GO NOW. BUT --OUR VISIT HERE IS OVER. BUT THEY'RE --BUT THEY'RE SINGING. IT -- IT'S SO NICE.I DON'T WANT TO GO YET. I'M SORRY. CAN'T WE STAYJUST A-A LITTLE LONGER? PLEASE? NO, WE CAN'T.REGULATIONS, ALEX. * NOEL * NOEL, NOEL * BORN IS... THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL. THAT WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL. CAN WE -- CAN WE GOBACK THERE LATER? I'M SORRY.YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN. WELL, HERE WE ARE.HOME AGAIN. HAVE YOU LEARNED ANYTHINGTONIGHT? LOOK, I REALIZE I MAY HAVE GONEA LITTLE OVERBOARD EARLIER THIS EVENING. MAYBE I HAVE LOST SOME OFMY YOUTHFUL ZEST FOR CHRISTMAS. AND I -- AND I FEEL BADLYABOUT IT. AND --AND I'M GONNA CHANGE. THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR. OKAY, SO, UH... MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL, PARTICULARLY YOU,A GOOD NIGHT. UH, YOU MIND CLOSING THE WALLBEHIND YOU? [ COUGHING ] OH, NO.YOU, TOO, MALLORY? MY SHIFT IS OVER, ALEX. SHE'S HERE TO RELIEVE ME. I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. FAREWELL. [ COUGHS ] I HOPE SOMEONE GETS MEA SMOKE ALARM FOR CHRISTMAS. [ COUGHS ] ARISE, ALEX, AND COME -- I KNOW. I'M HITHER.I'M HITHER. I AM THE GHOSTOF CHRISTMAS FUTURE. UH, LOOK,CAN WE DO THIS LATER? I-I JUST GOT INFROM CHRISTMAS PAST AND I'M A LITTLE TIRED. YOU MUST GO, ALEX. YOU MUST SEEWHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS. AM I GONNA LIKE IT? I DON'T THINK SO. THEN, UH,I DON'T WANT TO GO. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. WELCOME TO THE FUTURE,ALEX. WHAT A DUMP. THIS CAN'T BE OUR HOUSE. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? THE KEATON FAMILYFELL UPON HARD TIMES, ALEX. ALL OF US? OH, YOU'RE OKAY.YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK NOW. YOU'RE A VERY WEALTHY MAN. WHAT A SHAMEABOUT THE FAMILY. JUST HOW WEALTHYAM I? * DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW * IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH HEY, THAT OLD LADYLOOKS LIKE MOM. THAT'S MOM. YUP, AND SHE'S ALL SPRUCED UPFOR CHRISTMAS. WHAT'S WITH THE LAUNDRY? OH, THAT'S HOW THEY EKE OUTAN EXISTENCE NOW. MOM TAKES INPEOPLE'S LAUNDRY. STEVEN! COME ON DOWNAND SEE OUR CHRISTMAS TREE! YOU GOT A TREE? OH,HOW DO YOU LIKE IT? WONDERFUL! THE MOST BEAUTIFUL TREEWE'VE HAD IN YEARS. UH-HUH. WHY DIDN'T I BUY THEMA BETTER TREE? YOU SAID I HADA LOT OF MONEY. UH, BY THE WAY,WHEN YOU SAID "A LOT OF MONEY," DID YOU MEAN, LIKE,UH... ALEX,THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT. RIGHT, RIGHT. HELLO, MOTHER. OH, MALLORY! WHOA, SHE REALLYPUT ON WEIGHT. SHE'S PREGNANT,AND I THINK SHE LOOKS RADIANT. WHERE'S HER HUSBAND? OH,HE'S IN DEBTOR'S PRISON. YOU PUT HIM THERE. HE COULDN'T REPAY THE MONEYYOU LENT HIM FOR HIS GRANDMOTHER'SOPERATION. [ SQUEALING ] OOH, JENNIFER'S HOMEFROM WORK EARLY TODAY. OH! UGH! PARK YOUR WHEELBARROWOUTSIDE, HONEY! WHEELBARROW? SHE SELLS DIRT. OH, NO. COME IN AND SEE OUR TREE,JENNIFER. [ Raspy ] WHERE IS IT? RIGHT HERE. OH, WOW. WHAT'S THE MATTERWITH HER VOICE? SHE HAS A VERY ADVANCEDSORE THROAT. SHE'S HAD A COLDFOR 30 YEARS NOW. BEEN TRYING TO SAVE UPFOR SOME COUGH SYRUP. OH. JENNIFER,I'M SORRY. I-I-I MEANT TO GET YOUTHE COUGH MEDICINE. I REALLY DID. FORGET IT, ALEX.SHE CAN'T HEAR YOU. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL TREE. THAT'S A TERRIBLE TREE. WHY DIDN'T DAD JUST BACK OVERA TREE LIKE HE USED TO DO? NO CAR. THAT WHEELBARROW'S THEIRONLY MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION. LET'S DECORATE IT!OH. DO WE STILL HAVEOUR TINSEL? MM, RIGHT -- RIGHT --RIGHT HERE. MM. OOH! [ LAUGHS ] IT'S BEAUTIFUL. [ SOBBING ] OH, WHY... WHY ARE YOU CRYING,HONEY? I REMEMBER WHEN ALEXSOLD US THAT TINSEL... AT COST. [ HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING ] IT'S ALEX!OH! OH! OH, WILL YOU LOOKAT THAT HELICOPTER? HE -- HE'S LANDINGIN THE FRONT YARD. [ CRASHING ]OH! AH! HE CRUSHEDTHE WHEELBARROW -- OUR ONLY MEANSOF TRANSPORTATION. I'LL BUY YOU A NEW ONE,JENNIFER. I PROMISE. Mallory:HE'S GETTING OUT! WHAT'S HE CARRYING? OH!A BAG! HE BROUGHT USCHRISTMAS PRESENTS! OH! UGH! THERE, YOU SEE?I'M -- I'M REALLY A NICE GUY. I'M BRINGINGTHEM PRESENTS. OH!OH!OH!OH! OH, NO.WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? YOU LOSTYOUR SPIRIT. NEVER MIND MY SPIRIT.WHAT ABOUT MY HAIR? MOM. UH, MOM? LET GO OF THE COAT. OH.A THOUSAND PARDONS. HAVE YOU COMETO SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH US? SPEND CHRISTMAS HERE? HA HA HA! WELL, THAT'S FUNNY, RIGHT? All:HA, HA, HA! WHERE ARE YOU GOINGON THIS GLORIOUS HOLIDAY, THIS HOLIESTOF HOLY DAYS? VEGAS. I JUST THOUGHT I'D STOP BY,DROP OFF THE LAUNDRY. OH! OH, ALEX, THANK YOU! OH, STEVEN, HE'S GONNA LET MEDO HIS LAUNDRY AGAIN! BOY, YOU REALLYLET THIS PLACE GO. THAT'S A NICE TREE,THOUGH. SO... MOM, DAD... [ SIGHS ] ...WHAT YOU BEEN UP TO? OH, THE USUAL. TRYING TO EKE OUT AN EXISTENCEIN A DEPRESSED ECONOMY. ARE YOU STILL HARPINGABOUT LOSING YOUR JOB? NO, I-I THOUGHT IT OVER, AND I DECIDEDYOU WERE RIGHT TO FIRE ME. [ COUGHS ] OH, WILL YOU STOPTHAT INFERNAL COUGHING? SORRY, SIR. [ CLEARS THROAT ] SO, MALLORY... BAREFOOT AND PREGNANTAGAIN, HUH? WHAT YOU GONNA NAMETHIS ONE? UH, "ALEX"... JUST LIKE THE OTHER FOUR. WELL, AS LONG ASYOU DON'T EXPECT ME TO TREAT 'EMLIKE FAMILY. ALEX IS RIGHT, MALLORY. HE'S BEENSO GOOD TO US ALREADY WITH THIS VISITAND THE LAUNDRY. WELL, I'M GLADYOU ENJOYED MY COMPANY. I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE HERE. I'M ASHAMED OF ALL OF YOU.MERRY CHRISTMAS. WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE. THESE PEOPLE NEED FOOD. YOU -- YOU CAN'T LEAVE THEMLIKE THIS. HEY, LISTEN TO ME. OH.COME BACK HERE. LOOK,I'M YOUR -- I'M YOU! CIAO.[ HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING ] SAVE YOUR BREATH,ALEX. YOU CAN'T HEAR YOU.MERRY CHRISTMAS! WAIT A MINUTE!COME BACK HERE, YOU TIGHTWAD! COME BACK!GIVE THEM SOME MONEY! BOY, I DIDN'T ENJOY THATAT ALL. NOT A PRETTY PICTURE,EH, ALEX? HORRIBLE. TELL ME, MALLORY,I-I GOT TO KNOW. DOES THAT FUTURE HAVE TO BE?CAN I CHANGE IT? I DON'T WANT TO BE BALD. RELAX, ALEX. THE FUTURE'S THE ONLY THINGYOU CAN CHANGE. I CAN? WHAT -- WHAT --WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO? TELL ME. BE GOOD TO YOUR FAMILY, SHARE YOUR GOOD FORTUNEWITH OTHERS, AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY, MASSAGE YOUR SCALPEVERY NIGHT. I WILL, I PROMISE. AW, THANKS. THANKS FOR SHOWING ME THE JERKI'VE BEEN IN THE PAST AND -- AND THE JERK I'M GONNA BEIN THE FUTURE. AND DON'T FORGET THE JERK YOU AREIN THE PRESENT. * DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW * IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH CAN'T WE OPENTHE PRESENTS YET? * O'ER THE FIELDS WE GO CAN'T WE? PLEASE, PLEASE,PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE? OH, ALL RIGHT,MAYBE JUST A COUPLE. WE COULD OPEN MINE. WE PROMISED ALEXWE'D WAIT TILL HE GOT BACK. BUT FROM WHERE? HE WOULDN'T EVENTELL US WHERE HE WAS GOING. YEAH, HE MIGHT HAVE LEFTTHE COUNTRY FOREVER. MAYBE THAT'S HIS PRESENTTO US. [ DOORBELL RINGS ] HO, HO, HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS! ALEX? HEY, CAN'T FOOL DAD --OLD ST. NICK HIMSELF. ALEX, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? SHOPPING. YOU KNOW, I REALIZEDTHAT IT'S CHRISTMAS MORNING AND I HAD NO WAY OF SHOWINGHOW I FEEL ABOUT ALL OF YOU, HOW MUCHI-I CARE ABOUT YOU, HOW IMPORTANT YOU ARETO ME ON THIS DAY OF DAYS. MAYBE THE BEARD'S ONTOO TIGHT. WHAT'S IN THE BAG? PRESENTS. SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE. NOW, YOU GOT TO KEEP IN MINDWITH THESE GIFTS THAT IT'S THE THOUGHTTHAT COUNTS, OKAY? THE ONLY PLACE OPEN THIS MORNINGWAS A 7-ELEVEN. DAD,MERRY CHRISTMAS. A CUP OF COFFEE. ALEX, HOW DID YOU KNOW? YOU'VE BEEN HINTINGALL YEAR. MALLORY. ALEX... BEEF JERKY. YOU MUST HAVE READMY DIARY. FOR YOU, MOM.IT WAS THE LAST ONE. A "TV GUIDE." I'M SPEECHLESS. HEY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEAK.YOU CAN READ. JENNIFER... A SIX-PACKOF COUGH SYRUP. YOU ARE NEVER SELLING DIRTWHILE I'M ALIVE. DIRT? WHAT ELSE IS IN HERE,ALEX? OH, NOTHING, NOTHING. "BALD NO MORE. MASSAGE INTO SCALPEVERY NIGHT --" UH, GIVE ME THAT.GIVE ME THAT. ALEX, THIS ISA -- A VERY NICE SURPRISE. YOU KNOW, LAST NIGHT, I-I LEARNED A LITTLE SOMETHINGABOUT MYSELF. I REALIZED I'VE BEEN MISSING OUTON SOMETHING. AND I HAVE, UH... I HAVE MALLORY... AND JENNIFERTO THANK FOR IT. OH! ALMOST FORGOT.ONE MORE THING. I FOUNDA ONE-HOUR LAUNDRY OPEN. I HAD EVERYONE'S CLOTHESCLEANED AND PRESSED. I DON'T WANT YOUTO EVER DO LAUNDRY AGAIN, MOM. ONE MORE THING. MWAH. [ HUMMING ] HIT IT, REVEREND. Carolers:* JOY TO THE WORLD * THE LORD IS COME * LET EARTH RECEIVE HER KING ALEX, WHAT HAS GOTTENINTO YOU? I'M HAPPY. CAN'T A GUY BE HAPPYON CHRISTMAS? I MEAN, LOOK --LOOK AT THIS HOUSE. THERE'S NO LAUNDRYHANGING ACROSS THE ROOM. WE HAVE A TREEWITH REAL NEEDLES. JENNIFER'S CLEAN. MALLORY'S NOT PREGNANT. WHAT?!WHAT?!WHAT?! I SAID,"MALLORY'S NOT PRESIDENT." BUT, HEY, IN THIS COUNTRY,SHE COULD BE. I JUST WANTYOU ALL TO KNOW THAT, UH... ...YOU'RE THE MOST IMPORTANTPEOPLE IN THE WORLD TO ME. AND I KNOWI DON'T SHOW IT SOMETIMES, BUT I LOVE YOU ALLVERY MUCH. MERRY CHRISTMAS. MERRY CHRISTMAS.MERRY CHRISTMAS, ALEX. ALL RIGHT,IT IS TIME FOR A PICTURE. ALL RIGHT, WE -- I GUESSWE DON'T HAVE TO BE SO, UH... SO FORMAL THIS TIME. JUST POSE ANY WAY YOU WANT. NO, WAIT.WAIT A MINUTE. DAD, THIS IS CHRISTMAS MORNING.WE GOT TO DO THIS RIGHT. TRADITIONAL KEATONCHRISTMAS POSITIONS. Steven: ALL RIGHT.OKAY! HURRY UP. OH, BE CAREFULOF THE TREE, HONEY. GOT IT?OH, YES. HONEY, QUICK, QUICK, QUICK.HERE IT COMES. PERFECT. All: MERRY CHRISTMAS! [ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]