* I BET WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER * FOR A MILLION YEARS * AND I BET WE'LL BE TOGETHER * FOR A MILLION MORE * OH, IT'S LIKEI STARTED BREATHING * * ON THE NIGHT WE KISSED * AND I CAN'T REMEMBER * WHAT I EVER DID BEFORE * WHAT WOULD WE DO, BABY * WITHOUT US * WHAT WOULD WE DO, BABY * WITHOUT US * AND THERE AIN'T NO NOTHING * WE CAN'T LOVEEACH OTHER THROUGH * * WHAT WOULD WE DO, BABY * WITHOUT US * SHA LA LA LA * WHAT ARE YOU WRITING? NOTHING.JUST A POEM. HOW'S IT COMING? I'M STUCKON ONE LINE. MAYBE I CAN HELP. I DON'T LIKE TO BRAG, BUT IN SCHOOL,I WAS QUITE A POET. THEY USED TO CALL ME"IAMBIC PENTAMETER" KEATON. THAT'S A FABULOUSNICKNAME, DAD. COME ON,READ ME WHATYOU'VE GOT SO FAR. OK. "THE GRAY WORLD SPINS. "WE ARE ADRIFTIN THE EMPTY UNIVERSE. "LOST. "DEPRESSED. "NOTHING IN SIGHT. "NOTHING. "NOTHING. NOTHING." IT'S CUTE. MAYBE WE SHOULD PUT ITON OUR CHRISTMAS CARDS. WELL, SURE, IT'S CUTE, BUT ISN'T ITA LITTLE DEPRESSING? JEN, A GIRL YOUR AGE SHOULD BE WRITINGABOUT FLOWERS AND SUNSHINEAND RAINBOWS. I WANT TO SHOWTHE ALIENATIONOF MANKIND CONFRONTED WITHTHE HORROR OFTHE INDUSTRIAL AGE. I'M SURE THERE'SA NICER WAY TO DO IT. GOOD EVENING. THERE ARE MY GUYS. ALEX, DID YOUTAKE FIRST PLACEIN A HORSE SHOW? FOR YOUR INFORMATION,JENNIFER, THIS MEDAL DISTINGUISHESME AS MEMBER OF THE LELAND UNIVERSITYFATERNITY COUNCIL. GIVES ME JURISDICTIONOVER FRATERNITY MATTERS ON THE LELAND CAMPUS. IT IS A BIG DEAL. HEY, TELL THEMWHAT THEY CALL ME, ANDY. UM... A POMPOUS FOOL. NO, NO, NO. NOT THOSE GUYSIN THE PICKUP TRUCK. THE GUYS IN THE HOUSE WITH THE BIG GREEKLETTERS ON IT. MR. BIG. DID YOU HAVE HIMAT THE FRATERNITYHOUSE AGAIN? JUST FOR A MINUTE. HE'S PICKING UPSOME BAD HABITS. WHAT BAD HABITS? MOM, HE SAW WHATCOLLEGE IS ALL ABOUT. HE SAW PEOPLEREADING AND STUDYING. HE SAW PEOPLE ENGAGED INTHE PURSUIT OF KNOWLEDGE. WHAT ELSEDID YOU SEE? GIRLS. BEER. WHAT AN IMAGINATIONTHIS LITTLE GUY HAS GOT. COME ON, ANDY. PUTYOUR BEER MUG AWAY. IT'S TIME FOR SESAME STREET. GUESS WHAT? I'VE BEEN ASKEDTO PLEDGE SIX SORORITIES. MALLORY,THAT'S WONDERFUL. HOW ARE YOUGOING TO CHOOSE? WELL, I DON'T KNOW. SEE, PHI KAPPA GAMMA ISTHE MOST PRESTIGIOUS. IT'S THE HARDESTTO GET INTO, BUT THEIR COLORSARE ALL WRONG FOR ME. HOW ABOUT YOU, SKIP? NO LUCK WITHTHE FRATERNITIES, BUT THERE AREA FEW CULT GROUPSINTERESTED IN ME. LOOK, SKIPPY,CHEER UP. IT'S NOT SO BAD. THAT'S EASYFOR YOU TO SAY. YOU BELONGTO A GREAT FRATERNITY. I'D DO ANYTHINGTO BE IN YOUR FRATERNITY. I HATETO SEE YOU DOWN. I'LL TAKE YOUTO THE GRANT CHAPTEROF MY FRATERNITY. I'LL INTRODUCE YOUTO SOME GUYS. OH, WOW, ALEX. I CAN'T PROMISE YOUI'LL GET YOU IN. I REALLYAPPRECIATE THIS. YO, FANCY PANTS, THIS IS MEMBERS ONLYTERRITORY. VAMOOSE. YEAH. I'MALEX P. KEATON. I'M FROM THE LELANDCHAPTER OF THETA PI. OH, SORRY.BRIAN ELLIOT. PRESIDENT OFTHE GRANT CHAPTER. HONK.HONK. I'M DAVE DUBIN. I WANT TO BETHE PRESIDENT OFTHE GRANT CHAPTER. HONK.HONK. SO, HOW CANWE HELP YOU, KEATON? I'M HEAR TO TALK TO YOUABOUT A PROSPECTIVE PLEDGE. TERRIFIC.WHAT'S HIS NAME? HANDLEMAN...IRWIN HANDLEMAN. UH, LISTEN, KEATON, WE'D REALLY LIKETO HELP YOU OUT, BUT YOU'VE GOTTO UNDERSTAND, WE'VE GOT STANDARDS. SKIPPY HANDLEMAN'SABOUT THE NERDIESTGUY ON CAMPUS. YEAH, WELL, I KNOWTHAT FROM AFAR, HE MAY APPEAR THAT WAY, BUT YOU'VE GOTTO MEET THIS GUY. HE ALMOST GOTACCEPTED INTO HARVARD. OH, YEAH. HE WAS JUSTSHORT ONE CREDIT IN BIOLOGY AND 1400 POINTSON THE S.A.T.s. BOY, THAT IS CLOSE. [DOORBELL RINGS] WELL, THAT'SPROBABLY SKIPPY NOW. DO ME A FAVORAND INTERVIEW HIM? SURE, WHAT AREBROTHERS FOR? HONK.HONK. HI. DAVE DUBIN. HI. I'MSKIPPY HANDLEMAN. HEY, SKIP. THOSE ARE FOR YOU, AND THERE'S PLENTY MOREWHERE THAT CAME FROM. PLEASE, TAKE ME.YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE ME. HI. BRIAN ELLIOT.I'M PRESIDENTOF THETA PI. HELLO THERE, BRIAN. ALEX HAS TOLD MEA LOT ABOUT YOU. LET'S GET UNDER WAY. ALEX, PLEASE. YOU'VEGOT TO STAY WITH ME. I DON'T KNOWIF THEY CAN TELL, I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS. WE'LL KEEP IT OURLITTLE SECRET, OK? OK. FORTHIS INTERVIEW, WE NEEDYOUR FULL NAME. IRWIN MURRAY HANDLEMAN. BUT NONE OF THAT'SWRITTEN IN STONE. DID YOU, UH, BRINGA RESUME THERE, SKIP? OF COURSE. CAN YOUSHOW IT TO THEM? UH, YES.HERE IS...MY COURSESARE LISTED THERE, AND THIS ISMY GRADE POINT AVERAGE, AND, OH, THIS ISAN ENCOURAGING LETTEROF RECOMMENDATION FROM MY MOTHER. I REALLY DON'T THINKWE NEED TO FINISH. I THINK WE KNOWEVERYTHING WE NEED. YOU'RE DEFINITELYTHETA PI MATERIAL. WE WANTYOU TO PLEDGE. "SO OFF HE WENTTO BLUER SKY, "TO SING A SONGOR PLAY A GAME. "BUT 'ERE HE WENT,HE TURNED TO CRY, ROBIN RED BREAST IS MY NAME." "CAN YOU GUESS,OR HAVE YOU HEARD? MY LITTLE FRIENDIS BUT...A BIRD." I WAS ONLY 17WHEN I WROTE THIS. YOU WERE A REALCHILD PRODIGY, DAD. YOU'RE JUSTBEING STUBBORN. I KNOW THIS ISA WONDERFUL POEM.RIGHT, ELYSE? I DON'T LIKE IT. IS YOUR NAME ELYSE? I WAS TALKINGTO YOUR MOTHER. OK, DAD, I'LLTELL YOU WHAT. IT DOESN'THAVE TO BE GOOD. LET'S TAKEANOTHER CRACK. IF YOU HAVE TO USETHE WORD "DEPRESSED," TRY TO FINDA NICE RHYME FOR IT. LIKE WHAT? HOW ABOUT"ROBIN RED BREAST"? MOM. MOM, YOU'RELOOKING AT A MAN WHO DID THE IMPOSSIBLE. COMPARED TO THIS FEAT, THE ALASKAN PIPELINEIS A GARDEN HOSE. THE EIFFEL TOWER,IT'S A HAT RACK. I GOT SKIPPY HANDLEMANINTO THE BEST FRATERNITY ON THE GRANTCOLLEGE CAMPUS. THERE'S NOTHINGI CANNOT DO. THAT'S GOOD. YOU KNOWHOW IMPORTANTTHIS IS TO SKIPPY. I WAS NERVOUS ABOUTASKING THOSE GUYSTO DO THIS. THEY WERE FALLINGOVER THEMSELVESTRYING TO PLEASE ME. YOU KNOW,I FORGET HOW POWERFULAND OMNIPOTENT I AM. I SHOULD WRITE A NOTETO REMIND MYSELF. NO, I'LL REMEMBER. I BET YOU WILL. [KNOCK ON DOOR] HEY. ERIC. ALEX. HONK.HONK. BROUGHT OVER THE MASTERLIST OF THE PLEDGES. NAMES, MAJORS, THEIRPARENTS' NET INCOME. I LOVE GOINGTHROUGH THESE LISTS. EVERY CHAPTER'SSHOWING GROWTHAND PROSPERITY, BUT WE HAVEA LITTLE PROBLEMWITH THE GRANT CHAPTER. WHAT DO EXPECTWITH THOSE BOZOS? YEAH. WHAT'STHE PROBLEM? THEY'RE DOINGTHE "BIG STOOGE" AGAIN. JUST LIKE THEMTO DO THAT. WHAT'S THE "BIG STOOGE"? THEY PICK OUTTHE NERDIEST GUYTHEY CAN FIND, LIE AND TELL HIMTHEY'RE INTERESTED IN HIM, HUMILIATE HIMFOR A WEEK DURING HAZING, THEN NOT SELECT HIM. WHAT'S THE NAMEOF THIS BIG STOOGE? UM...HANDLEMAN. IRWIN HANDLEMAN. SKIPPY HANDLEMAN. WHAT'S THE MATTER? IRWIN HANDLEMAN,HE'S A FRIEND OF MINE. I'VE GOT TO TELL HIM. YOU CAN'T TELL, ALEX. THAT'S AGAINST THE CODE. THAT'S BETRAYINGFRATERNITY TRUST. I HATE THIS "BIG STOOGE"BUSINESS, TOO, BUT IF YOUTELL HANDLEMAN, YOU'RE OUTOF THE FRATERNITY. I CAME UPWITH AN ENDING-- THE CATERPILLARTURNS INTO A BUTTERFLY. THAT'S A STUNNINGTWIST, DAD. BUT I DON'TNEED THAT ANYMORE. I WROTE ANOTHER ONE. OH. WELL,CAN I READ IT? I TRIED TO USESOME OF THE PHRASESYOU SUGGESTED-- THE THINGS THAT RHYME. OH, GOOD.GOOD. WELL... "I LOOKED DOWNAT THE CAR "AND FELT DEPRESSED. FOR UNDER THE TIRELAY ROBIN RED BREAST." COME ON, JEN.WE HAVE WORK TO DO. MOM, HELP. IT'S A PART OF LIFE. HEY, MOM. DID ANDYGO TO SLEEP OK? I READ HISFAVORITE BEDTIME STORY. HE WAS OUT COLD BY THE TIMENIXON LEFT FOR CHINA. ALEX, I CAN'TBELIEVE SKIPPY. HE'S OUTSIDEON THE LAWNWEARING A DRESS SINGING, "I AM WOMAN,HEAR ME ROAR." IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DRESS. IT'S INITIATIONNIGHT AT THETA PI. IT'S A RITUALTO PUT ON A DRESS. I HOPE HE DOESN'TSPILL ANYTHING ON IT. I'D LIKE TO BORROW IT. HE'S PUTTINGHIS HEART INTO IT. IT WAS SWEET TO GETSKIPPY INTO THETA PI. IT'S DONEAMAZING THINGS. HE'S GETTINGMORE ATTENTION. HE'S MORE CONFIDENT. IT'S MADE A WORLDOF DIFFERENCE. YOU SHOULD BEREALLY PROUD. NAH. NO, I MEAN IT. DON'T BE MODEST, ALEX. HOW MANY CHANCES DO IGET TO COMPLIMENT YOU? OK...THANKS. SUCH A BEAUTIFUL THING. SKIPPY'S YOUR FRIEND, AND YOU CARED ENOUGHTO GO THE EXTRA MILE. HOW MANY GUYSWOULD DO THAT? YOU'RE VERY SPECIAL. YOU'RE GETTINGON MY NERVES. WHAT'S THE MATTER? ALL RIGHT, MAL,I'LL TELL YOU A SECRET. YOU PROMISENOT TO TELL? YES. NOW I MEAN IT, MAL. I MEAN,THIS IS IMPORTANT. ALEX, IF IBREATHE A WORD OF IT, MAY I PAY RETAILFOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. ALL RIGHT. HERE IT IS. SKIPPY'S A BIG STOOGE. ALEX, THATSECRET'S OUT. NO. SEE,THE TRUTH IS... HE'S NOT REALLYBEING PLEDGEDINTO THETA PI. SEE, THEY'RESTRINGING HIM ALONGTO HUMILIATE HIM. THEY CALL IT"THE BIG STOOGE." WELL, WHY WOULD SKIPPYGO THROUGH ALL THIS IF HE KNOWSHE'S NOT GETTING IN? HE DOESN'T KNOW. YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM? HE'S YOUR FRIEND!I DON'T UNDERSTAND. IT'S SIMPLE.THERE'S A CODE. OK? I SWORE AN OATH. THEY'LL THROW ME OUTOF THE FRATERNITY. WELL. TONIGHT'STHE BIG NIGHT. AREN'T YOU GOINGTO WISH ME LUCK? LUCK. MALLORY? SKIPPY,I'VE BEEN THINKING. TONIGHT WOULD BEA GOOD NIGHT FOR... US TO GO OUTON A DATE. I--I'M SORRY. MALLORY,IT'S BREAKING MY HEART. BUT I HAVE TO SAY NO. THETA PI'S THE GREATESTTHING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. TONIGHT'S INITIATION NIGHT.I CAN'T MISS THAT. AND THIS IS THE MANWHO MADE IT POSSIBLE. ALEX KEATON. THANK YOU. HEY, SKIP, COME ON.IT WAS NOTHING. WELL!NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME, I'LL BE A THETA PI MAN. DON'T GIVE ME THATDISAPPROVING LOOK. WHATDISAPPROVING LOOK? THIS ONE. THE ONE YOU SAVEFOR CRIMINALS AND PEOPLE WITHLAST YEAR'S HAIRCUT. I THINK YOU'REA LITTLE BIT PARANOID. SKIPPY ISBETTER OFF THIS WAY. I MEAN, YOUSAID IT YOURSELF. YOU SAID HE'S GETTINGMORE ATTENTION AT SCHOOL. HE'S MORE CONFIDENT. HE'S DRESSING BETTER. HE MAY NOT GETEVERYTHING HE WANTS, BUT HE'LL HAVEA COUPLE WEEKSIN THE LIMELIGHT THAT HE'LLALWAYS REMEMBER. YOU KEEP TELLINGYOURSELF THAT. AND MAYBE SOMEDAYYOU'LL COMETO BELIEVE IT. HEY, KEATON! WHERE'S SKIPPY? UPSTAIRSWITH THE PLEDGES. HE'S NOT PLEDGINGAND YOU KNOW IT,BRIAN. BIG STOOGE, HUH? WHAT'RE YOUTHINKING ABOUT? I DON'T KNOW ANYTHINGABOUT ANY BIG STOOGE. THIS IS ALEX P. KEATONYOU'RE DEALING WITH. I BELONG TO THEINTERFRATERNITY COUNCIL, AND I ATTEND A COLLEGEWHERE STUDENTSACTUALLY HAVE BRAINS. ALL RIGHT. SO HE'STHE BIG STOOGE. SO WHAT? I'M TAKINGSKIPPY HOME. KEATON! IF YOU'REAS SMART AS YOU SAY, YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS. YOU SAY ANYTHINGABOUT "BIG STOOGE," YOU'RE OUT OFTHIS FRATERNITY. RIGHT. YOU CAN'T TAKEOUR BIG STOOGE. IT'S THE BEST PARTOF THE EVENING. WE HAVEN'T EVENDIPPED HIM IN MUSTARD YET. * OH, I AM WOMAN ALEX, WHAT ARE YOUDOING HERE? I CAMETO TAKE YOU HOME. I CAN'T GO NOW. THEY HAVEN'TDIPPED MEIN MUSTARD. HEY, SKIP,LISTEN TO ME. YOU DON'T WANTTO GO IN THERE. THAT'S WHERETHE HAZING TAKES PLACE. WHERE THEY'REVOTING ON ME. THEY'RE NOT. KEATON,NO MORE WARNINGS. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? TELL HIM, BRIAN. YOU TELL HIM. TELL HIM WHAT? YOU'RE NOT GETTINGINTO THETA PI,SKIPPY. THEY NEVER PLANNEDON LETTING YOU IN. THEY WERE JUSTUSING YOU AS A JOKE. I'M SORRY. IS THIS TRUE, BRIAN? I'LL HAVE YOU KICKED OUTOF THETA PI SO FAR, YOUR GRANDCHILDRENWON'T GET IN. YOU DO WHATEVERYOU HAVE TO DO. LET'S GO, SKIP. NO. THIS CAN'T BE TRUE. I DID EVERYTHINGYOU GUYS SAID. I BOUGHT THE SAMECLOTHES YOU GUYS WEAR. I SUBSCRIBED TO G.Q. I EVEN GOTTHE RIGHT LOAFERS. TWO OF THEM! YOU GOT A LOT OF NERVESCREWING UP HELL NIGHT. YOU KNEW HANDLEMANWAS THE BIG STOOGE. WHY DIDN'T YOUSAY SOMETHING TO HIM? YOU KNEW, ALEX? NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN! WHERE'VE YOU BEEN? OVER AT THE THETA PIFRATERNITY. IS SKIPPYA FULL-FLEDGEDMEMBER NOW? NO. SKIPPY'SNOT A MEMBER. SKIPPY'S NOT GOINGTO BE A MEMBER. AND, UH... I'M PROBABLY NOTA MEMBER ANYMORE,EITHER. WELL,WHAT HAPPENED? THEY NEVER INTENDEDTO INCLUDE HIM. IT WAS A JOKE. ALL THEY WANTED WASTO MAKE FUN OF HIM. THE WORST PART'SI KNEW AND DIDN'TSAY ANYTHING. SERIOUSLY? YOU KNEWAND DIDN'T TELL HIM? RIGHT. HE KNEWAND DIDN'T TELL. WHY WOULDN'T YOU TELL? I CAN'T GO THROUGH IT.IT'S TOO PAINFUL. LET ME SEE. ALEX STARTED OUTTRYING TO DOSOMETHING NICE. WHICH IS RARE IN ITSELF,SO I REMEMBER THIS WELL. ALEX WANTED TO GETSKIPPY INTO THETA PI. HE TOOK HIM OVER. ALEX DIDN'T KNOWTHEY WOULDN'T PLEDGE SKIPPY. THEY WANTED TO MAKE HIM"THE BIG STOOGE." ALEX FOUND OUTBUT COULDN'T TELL BECAUSE HE'DBREAK THE CODE. "WHAT CODE?"THETA PI'S. THEY'D THROW HIM OUT. HE'D BECOMEA SOCIAL OUTCAST-- RUIN HIS CHANCES OFA BIG BUSINESS CAREER, A WALL STREET JOB, A NEW YORK APARTMENT. HE COULDN'T TELL.TONIGHT HE TOLD. I LOVE HIM FOR IT. I CAN'T BELIEVEI HELD IT IN SO LONG. I THOUGHT I'D EXPLODE. YOU DID. WHAT'S UP?YOU OK?SKIPPY! WHERE'S THE DRESS? I'M OK. WE HEARD WHAT HAPPENED.WE'RE SORRY. I'D REALLYLIKE TO SPEAKWITH ALEX ALONE. SURE. WE WEREGOING UP ANYWAY. HEY, YOU LOOK COLD. PUT THIS ON. WHERE DID YOU GO?I CALLED FIVE TIMES. I WENTTO GROVER LAKE. I GO THEREAFTER I'VE MADEA FOOL OF MYSELF. I GO THERE A LOT. SKIPPY,I CAN'T TELL YOUHOW SORRY I AM. HOW COULD YOUDO THAT, ALEX? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TOLOOK OUT FOR ME! I DID! I TRIED. WHY DIDN'T YOUTRY SOONER? LOOK, I HADSOME REASONS. I THOUGHT THEYWERE GOOD ONESAT THE TIME. THEY WEREN'T. I SWORE SECRECY. I DIDN'T WANTTO BREAK THE CODE. OH, 'CAUSE THAT CODE'SMORE IMPORTANT THAN ME. IF IT WAS,I WOULDN'THAVE SHOWN UP. ALEX, WHY DO THESE THINGSALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME? WHY...WHY AM I ALWAYSEVERYBODY'S BIG STOOGE? YOU'RE JUST NOTIN YOUR TIME... YET, SKIP.THAT'S ALL. I MEAN, YOU'LLGROW INTO IT. YOU'LL BEA LATE BLOOMER. IF I DON'TBLOOM SOON, THEY'LL HAVE TOREPLANT ME. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? SKIPPY, THERE'SNOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. PEOPLE ARE GOINGTO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU BECAUSE YOU'REA LITTLE TOO OPEN. YOU'RE A LITTLETOO TRUSTING. A LITTLE TOOACCEPTING SOMETIMES. BUT THAT'STHEIR PROBLEM. SKIPPY, YOU'REONE OF THE ONLY TRULY GOOD PEOPLEI KNOW. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. YOU'RE ALWAYSON THE INSIDE. I'M ALWAYSON THE OUTSIDE. IT'S BEEN THAT WAYSINCE WE WERE KIDS. REMEMBERWHEN WE LEARNEDTO RIDE BIKES? YOU GOT ON,STARTED PEDALING, AND WENTDOWN THE HILL. I GOT ON,COASTED FIVE FEET,AND KILLED A CAT. IT'S JUST THATOUR STYLES... ARE A LITTLE DIFFERENT,SKIP. THAT'S ALL. ANY DAY NOWTHAT'LL CHANGE. YOU'RE GOING TO TAKETHOSE TRAINING WHEELS OFF. AND WHEN YOU DO,WATCH OUT, WORLD. WATCH OUT, CATS. THANK YOU, ALEX. YOU KNOW... WE COULD STARTA FRATERNITYOF OUR OWN. ALL WE NEED'SA SECRET HANDSHAKE. YOU GOT IT. WAIT. CAPTIONING PERFORMED BYTHE NATIONAL CAPTIONINGINSTITUTE, INC. CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BYKELLOGG COMPANYMAKER OF FROSTED FLAKES PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONSPROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OFNATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1986PARAMOUNT PICTURES CORPORATION