[ THEME SONG PLAYS ]
* I BET WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A MILLION YEARS *
* AND I'LL BET WE'LL BE TOGETHER FOR A MILLION MORE *
* OH, IT'S LIKE I STARTED BREATHING *
* ON THE NIGHT WE KISSED
* AND I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT I EVER DID BEFORE *
* WHAT WOULD WE DO, BABY
* WITHOUT US?
* WHAT WOULD WE DO, BABY
* WITHOUT US?
* AND THERE AIN'T NO NOTHIN' *
* WE CAN'T LOVE EACH OTHER THROUGH *
* OOH-HOO
* WHAT WOULD WE DO, BABY
* WITHOUT US?
* SHA-LA-LA-LA
[ CLARINET SQUEAKING OFF-KEY ]
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
I THINK JENNIFER'S IMPROVING,
DON'T YOU, MAL?
YES, DEFINITELY.
COULDN'T SHE LEARN TO PLAY SOMETHING QUIETER...
LIKE CHECKERS?
ALEX, WE ALL PUT UP WITH YOU
WHEN YOU WERE LEARNING HOW TO PLAY THE ACCORDION.
COME ON, MALLORY, THAT WAS DIFFERENT.
I HAD A RARE GIFT FOR THAT INSTRUMENT.
YOUR TEACHER WOUND UP IN AN INSTITUTION!
HEY!
HEY, MRS. BILLINGTON HAD SERIOUS PERSONAL PROBLEMS
WAY BEFORE I PLAYED "LADY OF SPAIN"!
ISN'T UNCLE NED HERE YET?
CAN'T WAIT TO PLAY FOR HIM.
HE SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
I THINK YOU SHOULD KEEP PRACTICING.
UH, OUTSIDE.
WELL, COME ON.
THE ACOUSTICS ARE BETTER OUTSIDE.
IT'S DARK OUT, ALEX.
IT'LL GET YOU IN THE MOOD, JENNIFER.
YOU CAN PLAY THE BLUES.
ALL RIGHT,
BUT JUST CALL ME WHEN UNCLE NED GETS HERE.
OKAY?
SO, MA, THINK UNCLE NED'S GONNA STAY FOR A WHILE THIS TIME?
WELL, IT'S HARD TO PREDICT ANYTHING ABOUT MY BROTHER.
THE ONLY THING YOU CAN PREDICT
IS HE'LL BE UNPREDICTABLE.
AND EVEN THAT WE'RE NOT TOO SURE ABOUT.
YEAH, WELL, IF DAD GETS HIM THIS JOB AT THE STATION,
HE'LL BE ABLE TO SETTLE DOWN.
NOW, DON'T GET YOUR HOPES UP ABOUT THIS.
YOUR DAD'S TRYING TO SET UP AN INTERVIEW,
BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD STOP BUGGING HIM ABOUT IT.
WHAT, ME?
I HAVEN'T BEEN BUGGING HIM.
ALEX, YOU WALLPAPERED OUR BEDROOM
WITH NED'S RéSUMé.
HEY!
WHAT'S JENNIFER DOING OUTSIDE?
SHE'S PRACTICING HER CLARINET.
WELL, THAT EXPLAINS ALL THE CATS.
SO, DAD,
YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO GET UNCLE NED THAT INTERVIEW?
ALEX, TRY AND BE A LITTLE MORE SENSITIVE!
DID YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY, HONEY?
WELL, ACTUALLY -- GREAT.
DID YOU GET NED THE INTERVIEW?
YES, I TALKED WITH MR. WERTZ.
HE SAYS, IF NED'S INTERESTED, HE'LL SEE HIM.
DID THE QUESTION OF NED'S PAST COME UP?
OF COURSE IT CAME UP, ELYSE.
I COULDN'T TELL WERTZ THAT NED JUST ARRIVED
FROM THE PLANET XENON.
SURE BEATS TELLING HIM HE EMBEZZLED $4.5 MILLION
FROM HIS LAST JOB.
COME ON, MOM. HE DID NOT EMBEZZLE ANYTHING.
HE DIDN'T MAKE A PENNY FROM THAT.
HE SIMPLY HID THAT MONEY IN THE COMPUTER
TO PREVENT A MERGER THAT WOULD PUT A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT OF WORK.
IT -- IT WAS AN ACT OF CONSCIENCE.
ONE MAN'S ACT OF CONSCIENCE
IS ANOTHER MAN'S FELONY, ALEX.
HE MADE A GREAT SACRIFICE, DAD.
HE WAS VICE PRESIDENT OF A MAJOR CORPORATION.
HE GAVE THAT UP FOR SOMETHING HE BELIEVED IN.
WHY ARE ALL THOSE CATS OUT IN THE YARD
ROLLING ON THEIR BACKS?
MAYBE JENNIFER'S PRACTICED ENOUGH TONIGHT.
LOOK WHO'S HERE!
HEY! HEY, LISTEN!
THESE WERE OUT ON A CURB, AND IT'S A GOOD THING
I HAPPENED BY, 'CAUSE TWO GUYS IN A TRUCK
WERE TRYING TO MAKE OFF WITH THEM.
OH!
* SHE'S AN UPTOWN GIRL
HOW YOU BEEN?
ALEX, HEY, YOU'VE GROWN A HAIR.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU? STEVEN, HEY.
YOU'VE GROWN MANY HAIRS.
AND MY FAVORITE SISTER.
OH! HOW ARE YOU? OH, GOOD.
WELL, HERE I AM, HUH?
LET'S CELEBRATE, HUH?
ALEX, YOU GOT ANY BEERS?
YEAH, I THINK SO.
GREAT, GREAT. THANKS.
TA-DA! BEAUTIFUL.
HERE, PUT THIS BACK FOR ME, WOULD YOU?
SO HOW WAS THE TRAIN RIDE? GOOD.
GOOD. NEXT TIME, I THINK I'M GONNA RIDE INSIDE.
OH, YOU LITTLE MONKEY-FACE, YOU!
OH, HEY, WHAT'S, UH -- WHAT'S WITH THE CLARINET?
I'M TAKING LESSONS. DO YOU WANT TO HEAR ME PLAY?
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
AND...FIVE. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE.
AH, GEOGRAPHY.
OOH, YES. OKAY, THAT'S GREAT.
THIS IS ONE OF MY SIX BEST CATEGORIES.
HOW ARE YOU IN GEOGRAPHY, MALLORY?
WELL, LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY, UNCLE NED --
WE'RE HAPPY WHEN SHE FINDS HER WAY HOME.
HE'S TRYING TO BREAK OUR CONCENTRATION, UNCLE NED.
JUST IGNORE HIM.
IGNORE WHOM?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, MAL.
THERE'S NOT A LOT IN THIS CATEGORY
THAT NED "GEOGRAPHY" DONNELLY DOESN'T KNOW.
GO AHEAD. FIRE AWAY, SIS.
"WHAT COUNTRY --"
OH, NO! A COUNTRY QUESTION!
JUST FORGET IT. FORGET IT. LET ME FINISH THE QUESTION.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I PANICKED. I PANICKED. GO AHEAD. GO AHEAD.
"WHAT COUNTRY DRINKS THE MOST BEER PER CAPITA?"
WE GIVE UP.
WEST GERMANY.
WHAT, THEY'RE AHEAD OF US IN THAT, TOO?
ALL RIGHT, ALEX, ALEX, IT IS OUR PATRIOTIC DUTY
TO CATCH UP WITH THESE JOKERS.
GET SOME MORE BEER IN HERE. I GOT IT.
I'LL HAVE ONE, TOO, ALEX. OKEYDOKE.
OH, GOSH. IT IS LATE, GUYS.
TIME FOR BED.
DO WE HAVE TO?!
I DON'T WANT TO GO TO BED YET!
YEAH, UNCLE NED'S BEEN GOOD. CAN'T HE STAY UP ANOTHER HOUR?
COME ON, IT'S AFTER 10:00. WE'LL FINISH TOMORROW.
YEAH, BUT I WANTED TO PLAY A NUMBER
FOR UNCLE NED BEFORE BED.
Alex: NO! PLEASE, NO!
REVEILLE IS AT 0600.
[ LAUGHS ] OKAY, COME ON.
GOOD NIGHT, GUYS. GOOD NIGHT, BABES.
OH, HERE YOU GO, UNCLE NED.
OH! GREAT.
DAD. ALEX.
HEY! HEY!
[ BOTH GRUNTING ]
GOING PRETTY HEAVY ON THAT STUFF, AREN'T YOU, NED?
UH, JENNIFER AND MALLORY AREN'T HAVING ANY,
SO I'M JUST HELPING THE FAMILY MEET ITS QUOTA.
COME ON, SIT DOWN. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
OH, GOLLY.
THIS SOUNDS LIKE SOME BROTHER-AND-SISTER STUFF TO ME.
YEAH, IT IS.
COME ON, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA SAY.
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME YOU GOT A JOB?
OH, GEE. ELYSE, I JUST GOT HERE.
COME ON, GIVE ME A CHANCE TO UNPACK MY THINGS.
I'VE STILL GOT RAIL LAG.
IT'S TIME YOU GOT SETTLED.
I MEAN, YOU HAVEN'T HAD A DECENT JOB IN A YEAR.
NO, NO, NO. THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I HAD A GREAT JOB FOR THREE WEEKS IN DENVER.
I WAS A DOCTOR.
NED, BE SERIOUS.
ELYSE, YOU BE SERIOUS. WHO IS GONNA HIRE ME NOW?
WELL, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED,
UH, THERE'S AN OPENING DOWN AT THE STATION
FOR A PROGRAM CONSULTANT.
THE INTERVIEWS OFFICIALLY ENDED LAST WEEK,
BUT, UH, I WAS ABLE TO PULL A FEW STRINGS
AND GET YOU ONE.
I, UH, THINK YOU MIGHT BE GOOD AT IT.
I'D BE GREAT AT IT!
DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE INTERESTED?
[ Gruff voice ] NO, IT MEANS I FIND YOU IRRESISTIBLE.
[ Normal voice ] YES. YES, I AM.
ALL RIGHT! THIS CALLS FOR A CELEBRATION.
BARKEEP, A FEW MORE BEERS IN HERE, PLEASE.
I'M BUYIN'.
[ DISHES CLINKING ]
HUNGRY, ALEX?!
UNCLE NED, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE THERE.
OH, I'M SORRY. ARE YOU OKAY?
THAT DEPENDS.
JUST HOW IMPORTANT IS THE HEART?
[ GULPS ]
COME ON, SIT DOWN. HAVE A DRINK.
IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP SO LATE, ANYWAY?
AH, I GOTTA PULL AN ALL-NIGHTER
FOR AN ECONOMICS FINAL TOMORROW.
OH, WELL, THEN YOU'RE GONNA NEED A BEER.
IT'LL HELP YOU STUDY.
CAUSE IF YOU'VE GOT THE TIME, WE'VE GOT THE BEER.
WE HAVEN'T GOT THE BEER.
WELL...
ALEX, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO MAKE A BEER RUN, HUH?
AH, UNCLE NED, IT'S AFTER 2:00.
YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE A BEER RUN, DON'T YOU?
JUST TICKLE HIM UNDER HIS POP-TOP.
[ LAUGHING ]
OHH, WELL!
[ CLATTER ]
OH, OH, OH, OH.
[ DISH CLANKS ]
YO, UNCLE NED, ARE YOU OKAY?
I'M FINE. I'M -- I'M FINE. I'M FINE.
LET'S SEE, NOW.
THERE OUGHT TO BE SOME ALCOHOL IN HERE SOMEWHERE.
OH, WHAT HAVE WE GOT?
"MARINATED ARTICHOKE HEARTS."
YOU EVER HAVE A REAL GOOD ARTICHOKE-HIGH, ALEX?
CUT IT OUT, UNCLE NED.
YOU -- YOU REALLY DON'T NEED THIS.
AH, AH, AH, AH, AH, AH, AH.
OH, OH, OH, OH. HERE WE GO, NOW.
IT MAY NOT BE MILLER TIME,
BUT IT IS VANILLA TIME.
HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, KID.
AHH!
NOW, REMEMBER, DON'T DRIVE AND BAKE.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
YOU JUST DRANK A WHOLE BOTTLE OF VANILLA EXTRACT.
I'M SORRY. DID YOU WANT SOME?
NO.
NO, I DIDN'T.
WELL...
COME ON, SIT DOWN.
MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU
WITH THIS TEST OF YOURS TOMORROW, HUH?
I AM NOT TOTALLY UNFAMILIAR
WITH THE AREA OF ECONOMICS, YOU KNOW.
THANKS, I THINK I'LL DO ALL RIGHT.
YOU, UH... Y-YOU DON'T THINK
YOUR UNCLE NED HAS IT ANYMORE, HUH?
Y-YOU'RE ASHAMED OF YOUR UNCLE NED.
YOU THINK I MIGHT GIVE YOU...
THE WRONG ANSWERS.
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I SPOKE IN FRONT OF THE WORLD BANK!
SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME DOWN FROM THIS HIGH HORSE
AND ASK YOUR UNCLE NED FOR SOME HELP, HUH?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
DON'T YOU LIKE YOUR UNCLE NED ANYMORE?
I LIKE HIM. I LIKE HIM A LOT.
AND YET YOU'RE TOO GOOD TO SIT DOWN
AND HAVE A GLASS OF MARASCHINO CHERRIES WITH HIM?
HUH? IS THAT IT?
COME ON, COME ON.
I'VE JUST NEVER SEEN YOU DRUNK BEFORE.
[ CHAIR CLATTERS ]
YOU THINK I'M DRUNK?
YOU THINK I AM DRUNK?
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BUDDY --
I'M DRUNK.
WHY SHOULDN'T I BE?
I DON'T LIKE TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS.
[ Chuckling ] OH, YOU.
YOU ARE JUST LIKE THAT MOTHER OF YOURS, AREN'T YOU?
YOU ALWAYS THINK YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
UNCLE NED, I'M NOT -- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING!
NED DONNELLY MARCHES TO HIS OWN DRUM!
SO DON'T THINK YOU CAN COME IN HERE AND PROP ME UP
WITH SOME PIOUS PLATITUDES, BECAUSE YOU ARE WRONG.
WHY DON'T YOU J-- JUST GET OUT OF HERE, HUH?
BEAT IT. YOU'RE BEGINNING TO GET ON MY NERVES.
[ SIGHS ]
WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME UPSTAIRS, SLEEP IT OFF?
NO, NO, NO. I'M, UH...
I'M GONNA GO OUT. UH...
UH, UH...
TAXI!
PULL YOURSELF TOGETH--
WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE, YOU PUNK?!
JUST GET OUT OF HERE!
ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET OUT OF HERE.
MORE CHERRIES FOR ME.
[ SIGHS ]
HEY! GOOD MORNING, ALEX.
DID YOU SLEEP ALL RIGHT?
NO. NO, NOT SO GREAT.
OH, WHY NOT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN -- "WHY NOT?"
YOU KNOW WHY I DIDN'T SLEEP WELL LAST NIGHT.
OH. YEAH, YEAH.
I HAD THAT SAME PROBLEM AS A TEENAGER.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
TAKE A COLD SHOWER. THINK OF BUDDY HACKETT.
MORNING, ALEX.
OH, MORNING, MOM.
IS NED DOWN YET?
UH, YEAH. YEAH, HE WAS JUST HERE.
UH, LISTEN, MOM, WE HAVE A REAL PROBLEM HERE.
YEAH, WHAT'S THAT?
WELL, IT'S UNCLE NED.
YOU KNOW, HE'S BEEN DRINKING A LOT, MOM.
LOOK, THIS IS A VERY DIFFICULT TIME FOR HIM, ALEX.
JUST BECAUSE HE'S DRINKING A LITTLE MORE THAN USUAL
DOESN'T MEAN HE'S A DRUNK.
NO, YOU GOTTA LISTEN TO ME.
IF YOU HAD SEEN HIM LAST NIGHT --
Steven: NOW, THE MAIN THING IS, JUST RELAX.
BE YOURSELF AT THE INTERVIEW, NED.
WERTZ IS TOUGH, BUT HE'S FAIR.
TOUGH BUT FAIR? I LIKE THAT IN A WOMAN.
UNCLE NED, THIS IS FOR YOU, FOR YOUR INTERVIEW.
OH, GREA-- OH, THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL!
[ LAUGHS ]
ONE FROM EACH OF US.
THANK YOU, GUYS.
I GOTTA GO IN EARLY TODAY.
I'LL DROP YOU OFF, GIRLS. YOU COMING, ALEX?
UH, NO, THANKS, DAD. PETE'S GONNA BE HERE
AND PICK ME UP ANY MINUTE. OKAY.
11:00 IN MY OFFICE, NED? SEE YOU THERE.
OH, I'LL BE THERE WITH SOCKS ON. YEAH.
[ STEVEN CHUCKLES ]
NED SEEMS FINE TO ME.
TRUST ME, MOM.
UNCLE NED HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM,
AND YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
ALEX, DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE OVERDRAMATIZING THIS?
WHY, IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS PURE AND SACRED
IN THIS GREAT PLANET OF OURS,
DO YOU ALWAYS ACCUSE ME OF OVERDRAMATIZING THINGS?
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, BUT, UH...
THIS TIME I'M NOT EXAGGERATING.
LOOK, ALEX,
I'VE KNOWN NED A LOT LONGER THAN YOU HAVE.
HE WAS ALWAYS A DRINKER IN SCHOOL,
BUT HE'S BEEN ABLE TO HANDLE IT.
MOM...
HE DRANK A WHOLE BOTTLE OF VANILLA EXTRACT LAST NIGHT.
HE WAS RUMMAGING THROUGH THE PANTRY
LOOKING FOR ANYTHING WITH ALCOHOL IN IT.
[ CAR HORN HONKS ]
THERE'S MY RIDE. I GOTTA GO.
LISTEN, UH...
TALK TO HIM, WILL YOU, PLEASE, MOM?
YEAH.
[ DOOR SLAMS ]
WELL, HEY, THIS PLACE CLEARED OUT FAST.
ARE YOU FEELING OKAY?
COULDN'T BE BETTER.
ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THE INTERVIEW?
[ Sighing ] OH, A LITTLE.
I FIGURE I'LL DO ALL RIGHT, THOUGH.
[ GRUNTS ]
KEYS...
WELL, WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?
OH, YEAH, I REMEMBER NOW.
YEAH, NONSTOP FROM CHICAGO TO PHOENIX LAST AUGUST.
WELL, IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU.
[ High-pitched voice ] OH, WELL,
IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOO, NED.
[ SIGHS ]
WHAT'D YOU PUT IN YOUR ORANGE JUICE, NED?
[ Normal voice ] UH, A LITTLE VODKA.
NED, THE -- THE INTERVIEW'S IN JUST A COUPLE OF HOURS.
TAKE IT EASY.
OH, ELYSE, THIS IS JUST A LITTLE VODKA
SO I WON'T HAVE ANY ORANGE JUICE ON MY BREATH.
YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING...
HEAVILY EVER SINCE YOU GOT HERE.
SHOULD I BE WORRIED ABOUT YOU?
[ Chuckling ] OH, ELYSE,
THIS IS YOUR BROTHER NED YOU'RE TALKING TO,
NOT SOME OLD DRUNK.
I DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEM WITH THIS.
I CAN STOP THIS ANY TIME I WANT TO.
THEN STOP. NOW.
[ CHUCKLES ]
IS IT REALLY THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU?
YES.
ALL RIGHT.
[ SIGHS ]
I'LL STOP.
NO BIG DEAL.
[ IMITATES CROWD CHEERING ]
MR. DONNELLY, THIS IS A VERY IMPRESSIVE RéSUMé.
TWO YEARS AT KELTON ELECTRONICS?
YES, YES. IT'S A FINE FIRM.
THEY RECRUITED ME RIGHT OUT OF HARVARD.
MM, AND FROM THERE YOU WENT TO CENTRAM.
EASTERN REGIONAL MANAGER AND THEN JUNIOR VICE PRESIDENT --
THAT'S RIGHT.
STEVEN TOLD ME ABOUT... YOUR DIFFICULTIES THERE.
PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO EXPAND UPON THAT.
WELL, UH, MR. WERTZ,
I COULD TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AT CENTRAM,
BUT I THINK I COULD SAY IT BEST WITH MUSIC.
AND ONE, TWO, ONE, TWO, THREE, AND...
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
HELLO?
UH, JUST A SECOND.
UH, M-MR. WERTZ, IT'S FOR YOU.
OH, THANK YOU.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
HELLO? NED, NED, UH...
WHAT'S, UH...
WHAT'S -- WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU? WHAT'S GOING ON?
OH, NOTHING. I'M JUST A LITTLE NERVOUS IS ALL.
I THOUGHT THE CLARINET WOULD SORT OF BREAK THE ICE.
WELL, I-I WOULD HAVE GONE WITH A HANDSHAKE AND A SMILE.
[ SIGHS ]
IT'S -- IT'S TOO LATE NOW.
UM, UH, UH, LOOK, UH, JUST, UH, TRY TO RELAX.
BE YOURSELF.
"BE MYSELF."
THAT IS JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK, STEVEN.
N-NED --
SORRY ABOUT THAT INTERRUPTION.
OH, UH, NO, UH, NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
UH, NED AND I WERE JUST, UH, UM...
STRETCHING OUR LEGS.
WELL, ACTUALLY, STEVEN WAS STRETCHING MY LEGS,
AND I WAS STRETCHING HIS LEGS.
[ LAUGHS ]
JOKES ARE OUT. GOTCHA.
PLEASE, SIT DOWN.
THANKS. RIGHT, UH...
NOW --
OH! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
I'M SORRY. THAT -- THAT WAS ME.
OKAY, SO...
WELL, UH, KEATON...
TELL US A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOURSELF, HUH?
NED, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU SHOULD BE OVER HERE WITH ME.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU COME ON OVER HERE WITH US?
NOW, COME ON, MOVE OVER, WERTZ.
MAKE ROOM FOR STEVE IN HERE.
NED, NED, GET OVER HERE!
OH, ALL RIGHT. COME ON, WERTZ!
NED!
I'M SORRY, HE IS SO ADORABLE WHEN HE'S ANGRY.
ALL RIGHT!
LET'S QUIT GOOFING AROUND!
WERTZ, GROW UP, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
TAKE THIS THING SERIOUSLY.
HAVEN'T YOU FORGOTTEN SOMETHING?
WHAT?
SOCKS!
NO, NO, NO. I GOT MINE RIGHT HERE.
YOU WANT TO TRY 'EM ON?
OH, OH, OH, OH. OH!
I'M SORRY! THAT WAS ME.
I'LL GET 'EM. DON'T WORRY.
MR. WERTZ, I'M VERY SORRY ABOUT THIS.
HEY, WERTZ!
YOU'RE NOT WEARING ANY SOCKS, EITHER.
I MOST CERTAINLY AM.
WELL, THEN WHOSE FEET ARE THESE?
NED, PLEASE, GET UP NOW.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
[ GRUNTING ]
[ SIGHS ] MR. DONNELLY,
I THINK THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER.
WELL, WERTZ,
I THINK YOU DID A FINE JOB,
AND I WILL LET YOU KNOW IN A FEW DAYS.
BOYS.
WHERE'S NED?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WHAT HAPPENED AT THE INTERVIEW?
ELYSE, HE SHOWED UP DRUNK...
WITHOUT SOCKS!
HE MADE A FOOL OF HIMSELF, OF ME, AND OF MR. WERTZ.
NO.
HE PROMISED ME HE WOULDN'T DRINK.
HOW MUCH MORE EVIDENCE DO YOU NEED, MOM?
AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING --
WHAT I SAW TODAY WAS MUCH MORE THAN A MAN
WHO HAD A FEW TOO MANY DRINKS.
WHAT I SAW WAS A-A SICK,
SELF-DESTRUCTIVE INDIVIDUAL.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WELL, HE OBVIOUSLY NEEDS HELP. I DON'T KNOW --
MAYBE HE SHOULD CALL ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS.
HEY! HI-HO, STEV-A-RINO.
I GUESS I'M STARTING ON MONDAY, HUH?
YOU WANT TO CAR-POOL?
HEY, ALEX! ALEX.
OPEN THAT UP AND GET SOME GLASSES,
'CAUSE WE'RE GONNA HAVE OURSELVES
A LITTLE CELEBRATION, HUH?
THAT WAS QUITE AN EXHIBITION YOU PUT ON TODAY.
YEAH, WELL, I AIM TO PLEASE.
NED, YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T DRINK.
OH, I HAVEN'T BEEN DRINKING, ELYSE.
I JUST HAD A COUPLE OF BEERS, THAT'S ALL.
I RAN INTO AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE,
MIKE -- UH, MIKE GRIFFIN,
AND HE INSISTED I HAVE A DRINK WITH HIM.
NOW, I COULDN'T TURN HIM DOWN, COULD I?
NED! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I DIDN'T MEET MIKE GRIFFIN.
I MET MERV GRIFFIN,
AND HE INSISTED THAT I HAD A DRINK WITH HIM.
NOW, WHAT COULD I DO? YOU DON'T SAY NO TO MERV.
WOULD YOU STOP LYING, NED?
NOT NOW! I'M ON A ROLL!
LISTEN TO YOURSELF.
LET ME TRY THAT. "NOT NOW! I'M ON A ROLL!"
I SOUND FINE TO ME. [ CHUCKLES ]
THIS INTERVIEW COULD HAVE BEEN A NEW START FOR YOU, UNCLE NED.
DAD WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO SET IT UP.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN GIVE IT A CHANCE.
ALEX, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
WERTZ WAS NEVER GONNA GIVE ME THAT JOB.
I NEVER HAD A CHANCE.
THAT IS NOT TRUE. YOU HAD A VERY GOOD CHANCE.
BUT YOU WERE AFRAID TO FACE IT HEAD-ON.
YOU MADE DAMN SURE YOU TURNED WERTZ DOWN
BEFORE HE COULD TURN YOU DOWN.
WELL, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE, HUH?
YOU KEATONS ARE ALWAYS GONNA BE AROUND
TO HOLD THE FAMILY BANNER HIGH.
ALEX HERE WILL PROBABLY BE RUNNING THE COUNTRY
BEFORE HE'S EVEN 35 YEARS OLD.
NOW, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE
IF OLD NED FALLS BY THE WAYSIDE, HUH?
THAT'S THE MOST PATHETIC SPEECH I'VE EVER HEARD.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
THE MOST PATHETIC ONE IS COMING UP NOW.
YOU GUYS HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO BE WASHED UP BEFORE YOU'RE EVEN 30 YEARS OLD? HUH?
OLGA KORBUT, THE MOUSEKETEERS, NED DONNELLY --
WE'RE ALL HAS-BEENS.
OKAY, YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND YOU CAN ACT LIKE A KID,
BUT YOU HAVE AN ADULT'S PROBLEM
AND IT'S NOT GONNA GO AWAY BY ITSELF.
YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM, NED.
YOU NEED HELP.
I DO NOT HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM,
AND I DO NOT NEED ANY HELP.
YES, YOU DO! ADMIT IT!
I-I THINK YOU SHOULD CALL ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS.
Ned: YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING, ELYSE.
YOU ACTUALLY THINK THAT I'M AN ALCOHOLIC?
NED...YOU'RE SICK. YOU HAVE A DISEASE.
IF YOU DON'T DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT,
IT'S GOING TO KILL YOU.
I DON'T CARE.
IT'S OVER FOR ME.
IT IS NOT OVER FOR YOU, UNCLE NED.
YOU WERE AT THE TOP ONCE.
YOU -- YOU CAN MAKE IT BACK UP THERE AGAIN.
DO YOU, UH, REMEMBER THESE CLIPPINGS?
YOUNG EXECUTIVE OF THE YEAR, 1980.
UH, YOUR SPEECH BEFORE THE WORLD BANK.
WHEN YOU MADE JUNIOR VICE PRESIDENT AT 28.
ALEX, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THIS STUFF?
WHENEVER I THINK I CAN'T ACHIEVE SOMETHING,
I LOOK AT THOSE.
YEAH, WELL, ALEX...
THESE ARE ANCIENT HISTORY.
THEY'RE GARBAGE!
HEY, UNCLE NED, DON'T DO THAT.
HEY, GIVE ME THOSE. LEAVE ME ALONE!
GIVE ME THOSE. LEAVE ME ALONE!!
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
STEVEN.
[ Crying ] I DON'T KNOW.
I'M SORRY.
SORRY, ALEX.
ALL RIGHT, NED.
THAT'S IT. IT'S OVER.
RIGHT NOW,
EITHER YOU GET SOME HELP,
OR YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE.
HOW COULD I DO THAT?
[ SOBBING ]
I HIT ALEX.
HOW COULD I DO THAT?
[ SNIFFLES ]
NOW WOULD YOU CALL A.A.?
I GUESS I COULD LOOK UPON THIS
AS A WAY OF MEETING WOMEN
THAT SHARE A COMMON INTEREST WITH ME.
[ SIGHS ]
[ CLEARS THROAT ] HI. YES.
UM...
WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN SUBSCRIBING
TO THE COLUMBUS EXPRESS?
[ CHUCKLES ]
NO, NO, UH...
[ Voice breaking ] UH, MY NAME IS NED DONNELLY,
AND I HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM.