[ THEME SONG PLAYS ]
* I BET WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A MILLION YEARS *
* AND I'LL BET WE'LL BE TOGETHER FOR A MILLION MORE *
* OH, IT'S LIKE I STARTED BREATHING *
* ON THE NIGHT WE KISSED
* AND I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT I EVER DID BEFORE *
* WHAT WOULD WE DO, BABY
* WITHOUT US?
* WHAT WOULD WE DO, BABY
* WITHOUT US?
* AND THERE AIN'T NO NOTHIN' *
* WE CAN'T LOVE EACH OTHER THROUGH *
* OOH-HOO
* WHAT WOULD WE DO, BABY
* WITHOUT US?
* SHA-LA-LA-LA
STRETCH. STRETCH. STRE--
COME ON, JEN, YOU'RE NOT STRETCHING.
MOM, I CAN'T STRETCH ANY MORE. I'M NOT GUMBY.
LOOK, YOU'RE NOT GETTING OUT OF THIS.
YOU ARE MY RUNNING PARTNER WHEN YOUR DAD'S OUT OF TOWN.
WELL, CAN'T I JUST DRIVE ALONGSIDE YOU?
LET'S JUST GO.
HI.
-HI, HON. -HI.
HEY, ALEX, YOU HAVE SOME FOOD OR SOMETHING ON YOUR LIP.
NO, I DON'T.
YEAH, YOU DO. IT LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE SMUDGE.
LET ME WIPE IT OFF FOR YOU.
NO, MOM.
MOM, IT'S NOT A SMUDGE.
IT'S A MOUSTACHE.
UH, NO, IT'S NOT. LET ME WIPE IT OFF.
NO, MOM! MOM, MOM, MOM.
IT'S A MOUST-- LOOK. LOOK, SEE?
WAIT A SECOND.
OH, YEAH. I-I THINK I DO SEE A COUPLE OF HAIRS.
WHERE?
SEE -- SEE, LOOKIT. THERE'S ONE RIGHT THERE.
JENNIFER, WOULD YOU GET OUT OF MY LIGHT?
COME ON.
MR. BIDNEY, THE PRINCIPAL OF THE HIGH SCHOOL,
ASKED ME TO DELIVER THIS YEAR'S HOMECOMING ADDRESS
AT THE DANCE NEXT WEEK.
AND I JUST THOUGHT, AS AN OLDER,
MORE MATURE GRADUATE OF THE SCHOOL,
I SHOULD LOOK THE PART.
THAT'S ALL.
WE DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE YOU FEEL SELF-CONSCIOUS.
UH, ACTUALLY, UH, I THINK YOUR MOUSTACHE LOOKS --
LOOKS NICE.
IT'S AMAZING, ISN'T IT?
I THINK IT'S MY BODY'S WAY OF SAYING,
"CONGRATULATIONS, ALEX, YOU'RE A MAN.
A HAIRY MAN."
-OH, HELLO THERE, ALEX. -HEY, SKIP.
I'VE GOT SOME GREAT NEWS.
YOU'VE, UH, GOT SOME DIRT THERE ON YOUR LIP.
SKIP, SKIP, IT'S NOT DIRT.
IT'S A MOUSTACHE.
OH, WOW. WHERE'D YOU GET IT?
NEVER MIND. OKAY? NEVER MIND.
NOW, W-WHAT WAS YOUR, UH -- WHAT WAS YOUR GREAT NEWS?
OH. UH, AFTER, UH, MUCH THOUGHT AND SERIOUS DELIBERATION,
I'VE DECIDED TO ASK MALLORY TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE.
WHAT ABOUT NICK?
NAH, I THINK I LIKE MALLORY BETTER.
COME ON, SKIPPY, WHY DO YOU TORTURE YOURSELF?
MALLORY'S NOT GONNA GO TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE WITH YOU.
SHE'S IN LOVE WITH NICK.
NO, NO, NO, ALEX. MALLORY ISN'T REALLY IN LOVE WITH NICK.
SHE'S JUST USING HIM TO MAKE ME JEALOUS.
I LOVE YOU, NICK.
NEED I SAY MORE?
HELLO THERE, MALLORY.
OH, HI.
UH, HELLO, NICK.
HOW YOU DOING THERE, BUDDY, HUH?
OH!
-I'M SORRY. YOU ALL RIGHT? -IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY.
MY MOTHER CAN SEW THIS ARM RIGHT BACK ON.
I GOT TO GO, BABE. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
-OKAY. -BYE.
BYE.
UH, MALLORY, WAIT A MINUTE.
I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.
WHAT?
WILL YOU GO TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE WITH ME NEXT WEEK?
NO, I WON'T GO TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE WITH YOU NEXT WEEK.
THANKS FOR GETTING BACK TO ME SO FAST.
AND SO, HARDING SENIORS,
I STAND BEFORE YOU AS A FORMER GRADUATE,
OLDER AND HAIRIER.
NO, NO, THAT'S NO GOOD.
OLDER, WISER...
AND HAIRIER.
MOM, DO I HAVE TO GO WITH YOU?
HONEY, YOUR FATHER IS OUT OF TOWN.
I NEED YOUR HELP. YOU'VE GOT TO FILL IN.
MOM, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY BRIDGE.
NEITHER DOES YOUR DAD.
[ CHUCKLES ]
OKAY, OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
WHAT -- WHAT IS SO FUNNY?
NOTHING. NOTHING.
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR MOUSTACHE.
REALLY.
OKAY, OKAY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SNICKERING ABOUT.
THIS MOUSTACHE IS FLOURISHING.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I THINK IT NEEDS A TRIM.
OH, NO. PLEASE, YOU'LL GET HAIR ALL OVER THE PLACE.
HEY, SKIPPY, SKIPPY. LISTEN, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
I'M WORKING ON MY SPEECH, AND I THINK I GOT A JOKE HERE.
LET ME BOUNCE THIS OFF YOU.
UH, SINCE I GRADUATED HARDING,
I HAVE GROWN OLDER,
MORE MATURE,
AND A MOUSTACHE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
OHH!
OKAY, I'M NOT SAYING IT DOESN'T NEED WORK.
OH, ALEX, I'M SORRY. I'M JUST -- I'M NOT IN A LAUGHING MOOD.
WHY? WHAT'S THE MATTER, SKIP?
WELL, YESTERDAY'S TRAGEDY IS WEIGHING HEAVILY ON ME.
BUT THEN, I'M SURE IT'S DEPRESSING YOU TOO, HUH?
OH, YEAH. OH, YES, YES, YES.
YEAH, IT SURE IS, SKIP.
WHAT TRAGEDY ARE YOU REFERRING TO?
THE ONE WHERE MALLORY WON'T GO TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE WITH ME.
OH, YEAH. THAT -- THAT TRAGEDY.
WHOA.
CAN'T SEEM TO GET THAT OUT OF MY MIND.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.
WHAT COULD MALLORY POSSIBLY SEE IN NICK?
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
I-I MEAN, WHAT COULD SHE SEE BESIDES WHAT I SEE IN NICK,
WHICH IS A FINE, YOUNG, DECENT,
POTENTIALLY LETHAL FELLOW.
HEY, UH, SKIPPY,
MALLORY TELLS ME YOU ASKED HER TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE.
NO. NO, NO, NO, I --
I ASKED HER FOR DIRECTIONS TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE.
PLEASE, NICK, Y-YOU GOT TO BELIEVE ME.
WELL, YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T HAVE MINDED IF SHE SAID YES.
I MEAN, THEN THAT WAY I WOULDN'T HAVE TO TAKE HER TO THIS THING.
COME ON, NICK. WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GREAT TIME.
OH, COME ON, MALLORY, THIS DANCE INVOLVES THREE THINGS
I CAN'T STAND --
SCHOOL, WEARING A TIE,
AND SCHOOL.
-HEY. -HEY.
ALEX, THIS IS NOT FAIR. I'VE KNOWN HER LONGER.
I'VE LOVED HER LONGER.
I LIVE CLOSE. I'M MORE CONVENIENT!
WOMEN ARE FUNNY THAT WAY, SKIP.
I'LL ASK SOMEONE ELSE TO THE DANCE.
I MEAN, WHEN MALLORY SEES ME WITH ANOTHER GIRL,
SHE'LL BE SO JEALOUS SHE'LL BEG ME TO COME BACK TO HER.
THAT'S -- THAT'S -- THAT'S A FOOLPROOF PLAN.
I DON'T SEE ANY FLAWS IN IT.
DO YOU THINK I'LL BE ABLE TO GET SOMEONE ELSE
TO GO TO THE DANCE WITH ME?
IT'S NOT MATHEMATICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.
LOOK, SKIP, THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD OF WOMEN OUT THERE
JUST WAITING FOR A GUY LIKE YOU.
GREAT.
FIND ME ONE.
ME?
COME ON, YOU JUST SAID THERE WAS A WHOLE WORLD OF WOMEN OUT THERE
WAITING FOR A GUY LIKE ME.
NOT OUR WORLD.
COME ON, ALEX, PLEASE.
COME ON, I NEED YOUR HELP HERE.
ALL RIGHT, SKIP. OKAY. I'LL HELP YOU WITH THIS ONE
BUT DON'T EXPECT ANY MIRACLES, ALL RIGHT?
I DON'T, I DON'T.
ALL I ASK IS THAT SHE BE FEMALE AND A HUMAN.
YOU'RE KIND OF TYING MY HANDS HERE, SKIP.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
-HEY, SKIP. -HEY, ALEX.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU ALL DRESSED UP FOR?
I'VE GOT A BIG DATE AND, WELL, I'M MEETING HER HERE.
WELL, YOU LOOK GREAT. SHE MUST BE PRETTY SPECIAL.
OH, YEAH. OH, SHE'S SPECIAL, MRS. KEATON.
WHAT'S HER NAME?
I DON'T KNOW.
SYL-- SYLVIA. SYLVIA.
UM, IT'S KIND OF A BLIND DATE I ARRANGED FOR SKIPPY.
YEAH. WE'LL PROBABLY GET MARRIED.
WELL, WHEN IT'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW IT.
OH, BOY, ALEX, I'M REAL EXCITED ABOUT THIS.
I MEAN, MALLORY'S GONNA SEE ME WITH ANOTHER GIRL,
AND SHE'LL BE MINE.
NOW, UH, SHE'S REAL PRETTY, HUH?
SHE'S, UH...
WELL, SHE'S SORT OF...
-WHAT? -[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
HERE.
-HELLO, SYLVIA. -HELLO, ALEX.
-CAN I TAKE YOUR COAT? -OH, THANK YOU.
SYLVIA, THIS IS SKIPPY HANDELMAN.
SKIPPY HANDELMAN, SYLVIA BOGNER.
HELLO, MISS BOGNER.
THAT'S MRS. BOGNER. I'M DIVORCED.
OH. WELL, UH, ALL RIGHT.
HELLO, MRS. SYLVIA BOGNER.
-I'M A DOCTOR. -OKAY.
-UH, MRS. -- -DOCTOR.
-DR. MRS. SYLVIA BOGNER. -MRS. SYLVIA BOGNER.
SHALL WE SIT DOWN?
SKIPPY?
TESTING, ONE, TWO. TESTING, ONE, TWO.
HANDELMAN, CASE NUMBER ONE.
SYLVIA'S A PSYCHIATRIST.
YES, I COME FROM A LONG LINE OF PSYCHIATRISTS.
OH. OH, THAT'S A COINCIDENCE
BECAUSE I-I COME FROM A LONG LINE OF PATIENTS.
WELL, IT'S GREAT THAT YOU TWO HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.
YES, IT'S REALLY NICE OF YOU
TO HELP ME OUT ON MY PROJECT, SKIPPY.
OH, NO PROBLEM. W-WHAT PROJECT IS THAT?
OH, I'M SORRY.
I-I ASSUMED ALEX HAD TOLD YOU
I'M WRITING FOR THE NATIONAL PSYCHIATRIC JOURNAL.
A STUDY OF ADOLESCENT SOCIAL LIFE.
ALEX TOLD ME YOU VOLUNTEERED TO LET ME USE YOU AS A CASE STUDY.
ALEX, CAN I TALK TO YOU PRIVATELY FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE?
W-WOULD YOU MIND EXCUSING US FOR A MOMENT, UH, MRS. --
DOCTOR.
-UH, DR. MRS. SYLVIA BOGNER? -MRS. SYLVIA BOGNER.
WHILE YOU TWO ARE TALKING, DO YOU MIND IF I USE THE PHONE?
NO, NO. HELP YOURSELF. IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE.
THANK YOU.
I'D LIKE TO PHONE MY BABYSITTER
AND MAKE SURE SHE PUTS MY CHILDREN TO BED BY 11.
THEY GET TO STAY UP UNTIL 11?
ALEX. ALEX.
WHAT IS GOING ON?
LOOK, SKIP, I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO GIVE YOU ALL THE INFORMATION.
ALL THE INFORMATION?
ALEX, YOU'VE GOT ME GOING TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE
WITH A DIVORCED MOTHER
WHO'S STUDYING ME FOR A PSYCHOLOGY EXPERIMENT.
I MEAN, IT'S -- IT'S NOT EXACTLY A DREAM DATE.
SKIP, YOU'RE NOT THE EASIEST GUY IN THE WORLD
TO GET A DATE FOR, OKAY?
T-THE ONLY OTHER PERSON THAT I COULD FIND
WAS IN THE BIOLOGY DEPARTMENT,
AND SHE WANTED TO DISSECT YOU AFTER THE DANCE.
THANK YOU, ALEX. SHALL WE GO, SKIPPY?
UM, YEAH, YES.
SURE, MRS. BOGNER.
HERE.
OH, UH, MALLORY, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET SOMEBODY.
-OH. -THIS IS MRS. BOGNER,
AND SHE'S WITH ME.
HI. UM, I THINK WE MET BEFORE.
YOU'RE, UH -- YOU'RE SKIPPY'S AUNT.
UH, NO.
SHE'S MY DATE.
OH, WELL, NICE TO MEET YOU.
LISTEN, I GOT TO MAKE MY SPEECH
AT THE DANCE TONIGHT, AND I CAN'T FIND MY NOTES.
HAVE YOU SEEN THEM?
MAYBE THEY'RE HIDDEN IN YOUR MOUSTACHE.
I-IT'S FILLING IN NICELY, HONEY.
MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GIVE UP ON THIS.
OH, ALEX, YOU JUST NEED TO GIVE IT MORE TIME.
YEAH, H-HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN GROWING IT NOW?
EIGHT MONTHS.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
-HI, NICK. -HEY. CAN I COME IN?
I DON'T WANT ANYBODY I KNOW TO SEE ME WEARING THIS TIE.
HURRY. GET INSIDE.
HEY, ALEX. HEY.
GOT SOME KIND OF INSECT ON YOUR UPPER LIP THERE.
-HERE, LET ME KILL IT. -NO!
NO, NICK. IT'S N--
IT'S NOT AN INSECT. IT'S A MOUSTACHE.
OH. HEY, CAN I KILL IT ANYWAY?
I'LL LET MALLORY KNOW YOU'RE HERE.
NICK.
HEY. COME ON IN.
WHERE ARE THE KEATONS?
THEY'LL BE BACK.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THEM?
THEY'RE ALL UPSTAIRS.
I SEE.
LISTEN, UM, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT MALLORY.
I NEVER TOUCHED HER, NICK. I SWEAR.
WE'RE JUST NEIGHBORS. WE'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE NEIGHBORS.
LOOK, YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE.
TAKE IT EASY, SKIPPY. RELAX.
OKAY. UH...
AHH.
I'M VERY RELAXED NOW.
I SWEAR.
YOU AND HER ARE GOOD FRIENDS, HUH?
WELL...
I AM. SHE HATES ME.
NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO. I-I WOULDN'T SAY THAT'S TRUE.
LISTEN, YOU AND HER HAVE HAD
SOME GOOD TIMES TOGETHER, HAVEN'T YOU?
A FEW.
I USED TO LIKE IT
WHEN SHE WOULD BABYSIT FOR ME WHEN I WAS LITTLE.
IT WAS GREAT.
SHE'D LET ME WATCH TV, READ ME STORIES.
SHE'D LET ME STAY UP LATE.
HEY, I THOUGHT YOU TWO WERE THE SAME AGE.
WE ARE.
SO LOOK, YOU KNOW, UM,
I GET THE IDEA YOU KIND OF LIKE MALLORY.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, NICK,
MAYBE I USED TO LIKE MALLORY A LITTLE BIT.
BUT, UH, NOW I'M VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH MRS. BOGNER.
YEAH.
WELL, YOU KNOW, UH, JUST THE SAME,
I HOPE THE FACT THAT MALLORY AND I GO OUT TOGETHER
HASN'T CAUSED YOU ANY, UM, BAD FEELINGS OR NOTHING.
NOT A BIT.
THAT'S GOOD, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I LIKE YOU.
YOU'RE A GOOD GUY.
OKAY, MALLORY, COME ON DOWN.
OH, MALLORY, YOU LOOK...
JUST OKAY, I GUESS.
THANKS. WELL, NICK, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I THINK YOU ARE GONNA BE THE BEST LOOKING GIRL
IN THE PLACE TONIGHT.
LET'S GET A PICTURE.
OH, NO, NO. THEN I'VE GOT TO TAKE THIS TIE OFF.
-NO, DON'T. -[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
OH, I'LL GET IT. I'LL GET IT.
AH. HELLO, SYLVIA.
GOOD EVENING, ALEX.
OH. HELLO, MRS. BOGNER.
YOU'RE LOOKING RAVISHING THIS EVENING.
OH! WHY, THANK YOU, SKIPPY.
SHALL WE GO?
-I HAVE A CAR WAITING. -OH.
MY DAD'S GONNA DRIVE US.
OH.
* ALWAYS ON MY MIND
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?
WELL, WELCOME TO HOMECOMING.
AND TO BEGIN THE FESTIVITIES,
I TAKE GREAT PLEASURE IN INTRODUCING
THE SALUTATORIAN OF THE CLASS OF 1984,
OUR HOMECOMING SPEAKER,
ALEX P. KEATON.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU, MR. BIDNEY.
YOU KNOW, UH, AS I MADE MY WAY HERE THIS EVENING,
I WAS REFLECTING ON HOW MUCH HAS CHANGED IN OUR WORLD
SINCE I LEFT HARDING.
MOSTLY MY FACE.
ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME, SKIPPY?
OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH. I REALLY AM.
NO, I'M NOT. I'M MISERABLE.
WIDE MOOD SWINGS.
LOOK -- LOOK OVER THERE.
LOOK AT -- LOOK AT MALLORY AND NICK.
HE'S GOT HIS ARM AROUND HER. SHE'S WHISPERING IN HIS EAR.
THEY'RE HAVING A GREAT TIME.
YES. ISN'T THAT NICE?
MRS. BOGNER, I'M IN LOVE WITH MALLORY.
I-I'VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH HER EVER SINCE I WAS 6 MONTHS OLD.
SURE, SOME OF YOU MAY ASK,
"WHY A MOUSTACHE?
"WHY -- WHY NOT A BEARD?
"A GOATEE?
OR PERHAPS SOME OUTRAGEOUS, EYE-CATCHING SIDEBURNS?"
MRS. BOGNER, PLEASE. YOU GOT TO HELP ME.
YOU STUDY ADOLESCENT SOCIAL BEHAVIOR.
WELL, WHAT WOULD AN ADOLESCENT DO IN THIS SITUATION?
SKIPPY, YOU ARE AN ADOLESCENT.
I KNOW. BUT I'M STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF ADOLESCENCE.
YOU KNOW HOW IT TURNS OUT.
ALL I CAN TELL YOU, SKIPPY,
IS DON'T DENY THE FEELINGS YOU HAVE.
DON'T BE AFRAID TO ACT ON THEM.
ACT ON MY FEELINGS?
THAT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE.
THANK YOU.
OH, IT'S BEEN MY PLEASURE, SKIPPY.
YOU'VE BEEN A FASCINATING SUBJECT.
SO MUCH NICER THAN THOSE WHITE MICE I USUALLY WORK WITH.
THANK YOU.
SURE, FACIAL HAIR MAY NOT BE THE ANSWER...
...TO ALL THE WORLD'S PROBLEMS,
BUT WE MUST START SOMEWHERE.
THANK YOU.
[ SLOW DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ]
I'M CUTTING IN.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
I SAID, I'M CUTTING IN, NICK.
NICK, NOW.
HEY.
-[ SCOFFS ] -[ CLEARS THROAT ]
SKIPPY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
NICK, MALLORY IS MY GIRL,
AND I'M WILLING TO FIGHT FOR HER.
'CAUSE I'VE KNOWN HER LONGER THAN YOU.
AND IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU, SHE'D BE WITH ME HERE AT THIS DANCE.
NOW, THESE ARE MY FEELINGS, AND I'M ACTING ON THEM.
THE PSYCHIATRIC COMMUNITY'S GOING TO BACK ME UP ON ON THIS.
HEY. HEY, HEY. COME ON, NOW, SKIPPY.
-SKIPPY, I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT. -YEAH, BUT I DO. I DO.
JUST...
[ CROWD MURMURING ]
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. NICK, SKIPPY. WHAT'S GOING ON?
I DON'T KNOW. I THINK HE REALLY WANTS TO DANCE.
SKI-- WHOA, SKIPPY.
I GOT HIM, NICK. WHOA!
SKIPPY.
HERE. WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE? BREAK THIS UP!
BREAK IT UP. BREAK IT UP.
COME ON.
HANDELMAN, FOR A MAN WITH FOUR OVERDUE LIBRARY BOOKS,
YOU'RE TREADING ON VERY THIN ICE.
KEATON. NOT YOU?
I'M SORRY, SIR. I DON'T KNOW WHAT GOT INTO ME.
MUST BE THE MOUSTACHE.
YOUR DAD ALWAYS LETS ME WIN.
ALL RIGHT, OKAY, THAT'S THE LAST TIME I GO
ANYWHERE NEAR YOU, YOU, OR SKIPPY.
WHAT HAPPENED?
ONE MINUTE, I'M TALKING TO -- TO MR. BIDNEY,
AND THE NEXT MINUTE I'M REFEREEING A FIGHT
BETWEEN SKIPPY AND NICK.
WHAT WAS THE FIGHT ABOUT?
IT WAS OVER MALLORY. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
-ARE YOU AND SKIPPY OKAY, NICK? -YEAH, WE'RE ALL RIGHT.
LUCKILY, WE FELL ON TOP OF ALEX
OR SOMEBODY COULD HAVE GOTTEN HURT.
WELL, I'M GLAD I COULD BE OF SERVICE.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M GONNA GO UPSTAIRS
AND SHAVE THIS MOUSTACHE OFF.
AH, SEE? I TOLD YOU IT WAS A MOUSTACHE.
CAN WE AT LEAST TAKE A PHOTO OF IT BEFORE I SHAVE IT OFF?
OH, GOOD IDEA. I'LL GO GET THE ZOOM LENS.
WHAT COULD SKIPPY HAVE BEEN THINKING?
I NEVER THOUGHT HE'D DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
HEY, DON'T BE SO HARD ON THE GUY, MAL.
I MEAN, HE ALMOST GOT HIMSELF KILLED TONIGHT
BECAUSE HE CARES ABOUT YOU.
YOU KNOW, HE'S NICE, IN AN ANNOYING WAY.
AH. SO YOU DO LIKE HIM.
YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD TELL HIM THAT.
MAYBE.
IT'S KIND OF COMFORTING TO HAVE HIM AROUND, YOU KNOW?
HE'S LIKE AN OLD SOCK.
AH, YOU SEE? YOU KNOW, I THINK HE'D LIKE TO HEAR THAT.
OH.
HI, NICK.
HEY.
LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT TONIGHT.
I HOPE I DIDN'T HURT YOU TOO BADLY.
HEY, HEY, HEY, NO HARD FEELINGS.
LOOK, UM, I'M GONNA GO IN THE OTHER ROOM
SO YOU TWO CAN TALK ALONE.
OKAY.
THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU, NICK. THANK YOU.
SURE.
UM, MALLORY, DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME AT THE DANCE?
GREAT. UM...
WHERE'S MRS. BOGNER?
WELL, SHE WAS GETTING A LITTLE HUNG UP ON ME SO I HAD TO, UH,
CUT HER LOOSE.
I'M SORRY.
NO, MALLORY, I'M THE ONE WHO'S SORRY.
YOU'VE BEEN REJECTING ME FOR 18 YEARS.
AND I JUST KEEP ON MAKING A FOOL OF MYSELF,
HOPING SOMETHING'S GONNA CHANGE.
HAS IT BEEN THAT LONG?
YEAH. AND IT'S TIME I GREW UP.
I'M -- I'M GLAD THIS HAPPENED TONIGHT.
IT MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'VE BEEN LIVING IN A DREAM WORLD.
D-DO YOU KNOW THAT I USED TO SIT AROUND JUST THINKING ABOUT
WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF WE GOT MARRIED?
[ COUGHS ]
-MARRIED? -YEAH!
YEAH, I HAD THE WHOLE THING PLANNED OUT.
A BIG CEREMONY AT NIGHT, UNDER A BIG TENT.
LIKE A CIRCUS.
EXACTLY.
BUT INSTEAD OF WALKING DOWN THE AISLE,
I GET SHOT OUT OF A CANNON TOWARD THE ALTAR.
AND THEN, UH, WE'D GO ON OUR HONEYMOON.
WE'D GO TO PARIS,
WHERE WE'D SPEND OUR EVENINGS DINING ALONE
ON THE BANKS OF THE NILE.
SKIPPY.
THE NILE'S IN LONDON.
WHATEVER.
AND THEN WE'D COME BACK AND BUY A HOUSE
WITH ALL THE MONEY I'D MAKE FROM MY JOB AS A SEAT-BELT TESTER.
SKIPPY, DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK
THAT MAYBE I'M NOT THE ONE FOR YOU?
I MEAN, I'M REALLY NOT AS WONDERFUL AS YOU THINK I AM.
IN FACT, I THINK I'VE BEEN
PRETTY MEAN TO YOU OVER THE YEARS.
HEY, REMEMBER THAT TIME WHEN WE WERE 2 YEARS OLD?
I TRIED TO GLUE YOU TO YOUR PLAYHOUSE DOOR?
DO I REMEMBER?
MALLORY, THAT WAS THE GREATEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
I MEAN, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
WHEN YOU PAY ATTENTION TO ME, IT SHOWS ME THAT YOU CARE.
SKIPPY, I DO CARE. BUT COME ON, WE'RE 18 YEARS OLD.
IF YOU AND I ARE GONNA CONTINUE TO BE FRIENDS,
I THINK WE HAVE TO START DEALING WITH EACH OTHER LIKE ADULTS.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. I KNOW.
LOOK, SKIPPY,
LET'S MAKE AN AGREEMENT, OKAY?
I PROMISE TO STOP BEING MEAN TO YOU
IF YOU PROMISE TO STOP TREATING ME
IN THIS SILLY, CHILDISH, ROMANTIC WAY, OKAY?
FROM NOW ON WE'LL JUST HAVE NORMAL CONVERSATIONS.
YEAH, SURE. I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT.
OKAY, LET'S TRY RIGHT NOW.
HELLO, SKIPPY. HOW ARE YOU?
I'M VERY FINE.
THANK YOU FOR ASKING, MALLORY.
UM, HOW ARE YOUR PARENTS?
THEY'RE VERY WELL, AND...
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. I JUST --
I NEED MORE PRACTICE.
I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT BEING NORMAL.
MALLORY, YOU -- YOU GOT TO GIVE ME MORE TIME.
I WILL. IF YOU PROMISE YOU'LL KEEP TRYING.
I WILL.
I PROMISE.
BUT OCCASIONALLY, JUST -- JUST FOR OLD TIMES' SAKE,
WOULD IT BE ALL RIGHT IF I CAME BY AND BUGGED YOU
AND YOU GLUED ME TO SOMETHING?
WOULDN'T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY.